What. A. Whirlwind. I know I say this every week, and maybe this week was especially exciting due to seeing it at the movie theatre on the way to meeting my future in-laws, but I'm still pretty positive it was the greatest story in all of television. But then, any episode of anything that starts with Dorota catching Blair givin' herself a little morning glory is guaranteed to be perfection.

Serena, thinking Dan won't find a way to fuck up everything, gets him to counsel Blair on the sensitive art of 1) locating your heart and 2) bleeding feelings endlessly from it at all times. Serena does this because she loves Blair and wants Blair to at least admit that she loves Chuck, but forgot the chink in the plan which involves Dan being really helpful for 42 minutes and then fucking it up at the last second. Why is it okay this time? Because he totally does it on purpose in retaliation for B's misuse of Vanessa last week, which makes him a sick bastard and fully under the Machiavellian Gossip Girl spell, which are two things he needed to start being about five miles back.

Little J makes friends with Agnes the Model (aka Kaitlyn Cooper, the greatest character ever on television besides Taylor Townsend), who gives her a Poppy Lifton speech about how Eleanor is a vampire sucking the youthful ideas out of Jenny's mind and soul, and obviously a fifteen-year-old -- given enough elbow grease -- can create and market their own fashion line. After Eleanor eats her face off for fucking around during work hours, Jenny fully quits Waldorf Design in a hail of chiffon, leaving Eleanor starving for blood. Then -- to the rousing faux-lesbian sounds of t.A.T.u. -- she and Agnes get into their bras and panties and dance around for a RISD photog. At last, she is saved by Knight In Shining Armani and current homeless person, Nathaniel Archibald... And then they make out! Finally!

Dan tells Blair to seduce Chuck through lying and saying she loves him, which is pointless because it's not a lie. Then he tells her to utilize the Horowitz Maneuver and show a little relentless skin. (This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex.) Sadly, she goes way overboard and acts kind of pathetic. Round three: He sends her to ambush Chuck at the Bass/van der Woodsen home, because God knows he's snuck in there like a hundred million times to pull one romantic douchebag maneuver or another. This almost works, but the fake bad-girl texts between Serena and Blair, intending to make her braver, end up hurting Chuck's feelings because he thinks they're still gaming.

Cutie weirdo artist Aaron Rose has an installation at the Bedford Gallery, where he meets Serena and they form an intense connection, even though he is like the George McFly teenage version of Rufus Humphrey crossed with a more charismatic Dan. Who manfully reconciles himself to the idea of his ex dating a smarter, more successful version of himself, although he's a little thrown when Serena realizes she summer camped with him at Lake Geneva and thus has known him her whole life. Aaron takes off with another girl, but it's not the last time we'll see him, his slightly skeevier Humphrey looks and awkward shyness, his Harold Waldorf love of scarves, or his totally bad-ass moped.

To his credit, once Dan realizes that B truly loves Chuck he tells her to take the risk. Which would have won the day, except then Vanessa Effin' Abrams whines to him and he ends up pulling a Tonya Harding on Blair's confidence, ruining the night for both our star-crossed lovers. They have a truly intense fight in which they say I Love You about sixteen billion times, but without actually saying it because no take-backs, and things look really bad. On the roof! Chuck's favorite place!

After a tongue-lashing from S, Lonelyboy apologizes to Chuck and tells him about his part in their clash, and about B's feelings, on her behalf. For once, I feel great about Dan Humphrey, because he spends the whole episode being super sweet, takes five seconds to do something truly awful, and then immediately makes up for it by putting things back in perspective for everybody. Even Vanessa has a point: between Dan moving Nate into his home and becoming Blair's on-call Life Coach, V really does have every reason to think his life has become a baroque prank to make her feel horrible. Yet another reason to love him this week.

Chuck visits Blair and explains to her that, although they love each other insanely, they both know it would go to hell if they actually tried to make it work, so the game has to continue because they love that slightly more than they can handle giving up control. With a tear running down her face, okay, Blair agrees to defer their romantic feelings -- and her ongoing belief that living inside fairytales is a possibility -- as far ahead as forever and just keep fucking (with) each other. And it's just as hard on Chuck! It is epically amazing.

As are you! XOXO.