Gossip Girl
Prêt-à-Poor J

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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UES Artistes

Serena enters looking for Dan, and without looking up Schnellodinsky is like, "Dan is in the café with Vanessa, opening up cheap bottles of blended wines for my embarrassing opening," and then he finally looks up and spots whatever torturous thing she's done to her breasts today and feels the first-ever stirrings of heterosexual desire deep within his Buddy Holly-bespectacled, skinny-jeaned self. Somewhere in a closet in Red Hook, a gigantic grey scarf begins to knot and unknot itself nervously, hoping he'll stop at bi so it can still come out and play at least occasionally.

He stands up nervously and asks her to look at his ridiculous art, and the part he's gluing to the wall right now says "SOMETIMES WHEN I CLOSE MY EYES..." and the huge block of boring self-important regurgitated text beneath includes such chestnuts as "you are both the author and the..." whatever the grimblefuck, and elsewhere it says NOTHING TANGIBLE OR PERMANENT IN THIS ROOM, okay? I can't wait to meet the undergrad Theory Survey professor that took this kid's virginity, because he did some fucking damage.

Serena, wiser than she knows, goes "Um, well, I don't know much about art. But I do know a lot about spelling, so..." Which is awesome, right, because that's all this is: the public, phallic logorrhea of somebody who has learned precisely half of why we use words. Not art, just spelling. "Oh no..." she says after a moment, "I think maybe you should have had someone proofread it before you stuck it to the wall..." Guattari & Deloser, freaking out that she or he might have offended the magic spell of the precious words, starts crying and she's like, "Kidding." He pretends not to be put out but he totally is, and they introduce themselves as he's referring multiply to her abuse and harassment. He takes off the glasses and introduces himself, properly enunciating his name: Aaron Rose, the UES Artiste in Question, Dan's cautionary future, Serena's new feller.

Vanessa mentions going to find Rufus where he's freaking out in the "storage space," which is maybe code for where they do it, and Dan's like, "If his right eye starts to twitch, that's when you have to break out the valium," but Vanessa says we've already hit that point: "The caterer thought he was hitting on him." That caterer is lucky to have dodged the Humphrey bullet, I think. Dan's phone rings, and it's Blair, so of course Vanessa shits herself on the way to handing the phone over, and he's like, "It actually matters this one time, weirdly, so step off with the guilt face."

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Gossip Girl

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