So very many schemes! Nate and Lola, that braintrust, get three of 'em cooking right away -- which is at the least one too many -- when they decide to use Diana to take Gossip Girl away from poor crazy Serena, use Serena to take down Diana to save the Spectator, and use thence Diana to get the truth about Jack Bass and Chuck's unendingly troubled genetic code. Of course, all three are doomed once Serena very Serenaly tips her hand about working with Diana her own self in another scheme, which is to say immediately and without finesse, so then they have to do a separate scheme with her to work against Diana in turn. It's frothy and delightful.
The encoded contents of Diana's Little Red Daybook are proving difficult for old Nate and Chuck to decipher, but a Nate brainwave -- "You need ex-CIA, or a serial killer" -- brings Blair into the mix. She's more than happy to help, since Dan's got her on the road to recovering herself and is in turn off musing about spending a literary summer in Rome. One fake massage from Dorota later, and they've figured out that the codes in Diana's book represent different international travel destinations in one of the most hilariously bizarre scenes we've had in a long time.
Diana gives both Nate and Serena the phone number for the real Gossip Girl, which because of the other eight things going on means everybody is invited to Diana's secret meeting -- which is at the same roving Eyes Wide Shut tattoo sex club from years past! No Carter Baizen, BOO!, but we learn Diana's old persona: India (anagrams!), the madam of the whole operation.
How long does it take Dan to get Grimaldi-suspicious about Blair working with Chuck on shit that doesn't concern him? A whole half of the episode, glad you asked. But it works out wonderfully in the long run -- Dan once again proves his worthiness, thankfully -- and it's actually a fair issue, considering their part in the sex club scheme is touring it together, getting secret boners.
While they search for Jack and Serena looks for Gossip Girl, it's only a fair amount of time before India catches them on the surveillance cameras... And Nate and Lola meet up with her, just as Chuck is running into Jack and Blair opens the door on something that sends her screaming into the night. (This was the best act out of the season, just a stunning series of incredibly stressful reveals. It was great.)
Meanwhile, Nate and Lola set Serena up to get the laptop back into the hands of Gossip Girl, which leads to a bit of a breakdown -- but now they can't even use the whorehouse secret to oust Diana, because they don't have GG anymore. Lola suggests blowing it up on The Spectator, which is so ethically confusing that Nate just fucks Lola instead of dealing with it. Back at Chez Waldorf, Dorota -- I'm just gonna say it, she's the episode MVP -- comforts Serena, who must confront a life without even blogging.
"Why do you have to be so melodramatic about everything?" Jack asks Chuck, but an answer is no more forthcoming than it has been for the last five years. Whatever Jack is hiding in the sex mansion, Blair won't exactly tell Chuck, but on her way back to DUMBO advises him to find out for himself. And when he does? Hoo boy.
Let's just say Chuck's parentage just got even more fucked up, and Lily's marriage to Rufus might be even more tenuous than we thought. Legally speaking.
Next Week: Serena, it would seem, manages to leverage Blair and Chuck's new alliance against Dan's suddenly perfect boyfriend nature, resulting in drama for all.
Lola was pretty sure Serena was the new Gossip Girl, but her attempts to prove it seemed only to complicate matters further, while Diana Payne was interested in keeping Serena in power to protect secrets of her own. One of those secrets was (or was not) the fact that she is (or is not) one of Chuck's many mothers. After Nate whored himself out to the cougar once again, though, a strange photograph revealed that it might just be Chuck's father that's the real mystery after all.
Dorota: "Miss Serena, it smell in here like Mtn Dew and desperation."
Serena: "I'm just blogging up a storm, don't worry about it. It's this, or I kill myself."
Dorota: "You no learn how to publish blog then, because nobody know all this things you writing. Also, Mr. Nate fire you. Maybe short novel or novelette until you understand how internet work."
Serena: "I order you to be happy for me."
Dorota: "Then happy I am, you crazy brat."
Diana: "Uncle Jack, don't worry about our big sex party tonight. Surely everyone in the cast won't show up, like happens in every episode. Also, don't worry about our whole maternity/paternity trick on Chuck. This show almost never obsesses on that storyline, bringing it back from the dead like a zombie every three episodes. Everything is fine. Hang on, call waiting."
Nate: "You up? You out?"
Diana: "Nate, good to hear from you. Remember that book you stole from my underwear drawer last week?"
Nate: "I can honestly say that I do not."
Diana: "Put down the bong and bring me my book, or I'll act slinky and spooky about it."
Nate: "Seriously, I have no idea what you're talking about."
Diana: "It is not a compliment when I say this, but I almost believe you."
Chuck: "Was that one of my moms?"
Nate: "Yeah, Diana. I 'played' it 'clueless.'"
Chuck: "We're never going to prove that Uncle Jack is my dad, because this whole book -- which clearly is central to that plotline -- is in a secret code. You know, like grown people tend to do with their dayrunners."
Nate: "You know who could help decode that book is a crazy person, like somebody from the military or a serial kil..."
Chuck: "-- You're right. Blair Waldorf is the key."
Nate: "How about you, Lola. Any luck hacking into the Gossip Girl website using that old password?"