Serena: "Cool, I just left my laptop unattended downstairs, knowing that the real Gossip Girl was around here somewhere and obsessed with exacting vengeance on me and getting her website back. I'll just write the blast on my phone instead of checking into that situation... Hey, it says I'm locked out! That's weird. Hang on while I sign into this website again..."
Diana: "-- Not to interrupt this riveting television show of a debutante trying to log into a website on her phone, but I am going to get the fuck on up out of here."
Jack: "Blair, you probably shouldn't tell Chuck about Mrs. Rochester."
Blair: "Of course I am going to! Do you realize how many annoying storylines this will quash?"
Jack: "That's exactly what I mean. You have the potential to fuck up literally everybody on this show, if it's Bart, because that means Lily is a bigamist, which will ruin the lives of half of the characters, and Chuck hasn't tried to commit suicide in a while so that'll probably go down, and then your relationship with Dan will be doubly doomed, and it'll fuck things up for Serena and Lola, and everybody will be poor. Except you."
Blair: "Then I gotta go tell Chuck tout suite. Let's get this shitstorm started."
Serena: "...Well, my computer's gone."
NOLA: "Gossip Girl took it."
Serena: "How do you know? Are you psychic?"
NOLA: "No, you halfwit. But even if it weren't obvious, we would know anyway because we're the ones that set you up."
Serena: "But why? Just because I have tried to destroy both of you numerous times with it? Not to mention the fact that it's turning me into an insane addict?"
NOLA: "To be fair, mostly the latter. You are really starting to scare us. Do you know how desensitized Dorota has to be by now, to people acting fucking crazy?"
Serena: "I can stop any time I want! And I rarely used it toward nefarious ends!"
NOLA: "That's true, circumstantially, but the truth is that you are just exceptionally bad at using it at all. So it's not only sad, but also very sad. Two different ways to be very, very sad. Consider this an intervention."
Serena: "I'm going to call Gossip Girl's obsolete burner phone!"
NOLA: "To what end?"
Serena: "Because I am freaking out and have no idea what I'm doing! Oh wait. It says it's no longer in service. Guess I coulda seen that coming."