Gossip Girl: "Hey, bitches! I'm actually back for real this time. And here's a random blast about Blair and Dan dating, which I sure do hope doesn't push anybody over the edge..."
There's a sound, a little clink, a little bit like shattering glass, as what's left of Serena van der Woodsen's mind goes shooting over Manhattan's East Side, leaving sparks and little rainbow trails in its wake.
A screaming comes across the sky. It has happened before, but there is nothing to compare it to now. It is too late.
Blair: "Hey, babe. Are you mad because I ignored you all day and hung out with Chuck all day? Because it kind of seems like that would upset you. It certainly used to bother Prince Louis when I would do that, in every single episode."
Dan: "It's fine. Hey, as long as we're being honest, here's a huge lie about them not letting me into that summer program after all."
Blair: "You poor thing. Well, you'll catch the next one, Tiger. Because you are a rising literary phenomenon. Meanwhile, I have to tell you this amazing story about a brothel."
Dan: "I missed out on a trip to a brothel? Aw, man. I guess I will just never let you out of my sight, ever again, like a total psycho."
Blair: "You're so sweet! It all started with this secret code -- you know I'm an expert cryptologist, right? -- and there was this book, see..."
Chuck: "Hello? Sex party administrative offices? I'm coming in there, so no funny business. Or zombies that look like chicken tikka that has come alive."
Bart! Zombie Bart!
Zombie Bart: "Hello, son. I know it's confusing because I always look like a scrotum with sunstroke, but let me assure you I am actually alive, okay?"
Turns out Chuck is actually a science experiment with three parents: One-third chicken tikka scrotum, one third opera rapist and one third whatever the hell Diana Payne is made of. Dan turns up under Blair's bed, uncomfortable with even their current level of intimacy, while Serena begins poisoning their food so that they will both die slowly over time. Meanwhile, the revelation that bigamist Lily's last marriage is still in effect causes her to be blackballed from society, which will be quite the change of pace. Lola, as the new Vanessa, offers to blow Rufus in sympathy, but it's been a while since that was really on the table. As we all know.