Against the steady drumbeat of Gossip Girl's nonstop avalanche of secrets from Blair's diary, the whole cast moves themselves into new positions and alignments. Nothing is true and everything is up for grabs and the shippers are melting down and the whole thing is just a glorious trainwreck on fire. I haven't been this proud since the time everybody on the show turned into Serena at the same time and she got etherized and kidnapped.
The big party at the end of the episode is for the Shepherd Divorce, which everybody knows was the same wedding six years ago that sent Nate into Serena's arms for a public boning, and eventually led to Serena killing a guy and running away to boarding school. Meanwhile, Chuck plans a big press conference for his father's return to the land of the living, and Lola is presented with her mother's half of the Rhodes estate.
In the end, Lola is pissed off enough by the latest Lily/Carol bullshit that she signs her money over to Ivy, on one condition: They use part of it to take Lily down. It's a nice landing place for both girls... Especially since Lily has icily annulled her marriage to Rufus and chosen Bart Bass for her husband! Maximum crazy for next year!
Blair sends her minions out to make amends for every terrible thing she's ever said, but after she adds to this a plan to destroy Serena from the ground up, S has no choice but to co-opt the Plastics into a plan of her own. Seems Dan's the latest one to present Blair with a big Empire State Building ultimatum: Meet him at the Shepherd Divorce and be coerced into declaring her love, or it's over.
Serena's plan: To distract Blair from ever arriving, and fuck Dan on a very similar bar as she did Nate once upon a time. They've done enough to set up her desperation this year that it actually makes sense. And while she gets the deed done, Dan immediately figures out the whole plan -- and that Serena taped the whole thing, just in case she needed to further ruin everybody's lives at once.
But ironically, the distraction wasn't necessary: Blair had already made her choice, and run once again to be with Chuck. And so it is that she finds him at the press conference, being humiliated before the media by his father, who's reassuming control of Bass Industries. After a dorky, unbelievable conversation about how all of Chuck's problems are Blair's fault, of course, Chuck turns her down viciously, once again... But B doesn't go down that easily. Having been given control of Waldorf Designs, and given a major brush-off by Dan, she's now officially Powerful enough to woo Chuck properly without feeling like a pathetic robot, so she follows him to the Continent, leaving him jaw-dropped and impressed.
Which leaves Dan with an extra ticket to Rome -- and Georgina his excited recipient. Seems he wants to spend the summer with her writing a tell-all that will put Inside to shame. And back in America, Diana sends Nate a fresh clue to the identity of the real Gossip Girl, giving him that sheer, see-through semblance of a storyline with which he often excels.
And what about Serena? Ohhh, Serena. After pulling her most egregious Dark Phoenix monster bullshit yet -- and emotionally trounced when Dan answers her declarations of love with the fact that the Rufus annulment means he'll never have to see her again -- she goes absolutely apeshit, climbs onto a train, and starts her new job of fucking dudes for coke while she stares out the window in abject ennui.
So. Thoughts? For me, I've liked the back half of this season, especially once Blair turned back into a Blair-shaped object. I've been asking for Serena to go mental for five years now, so that was satisfying. I love Blair and Dan as a couple, but I'm not the writer of the show, so whatever. I'm not selfish or childish enough to judge on that criterion. And of course, the big news is that next (last) season will have a new exec, again -- in this case, probably my favorite writer still on staff -- which is always a fun ride. Especially since it's only 11 episodes. I dunno. I don't think any shipper anywhere could possibly be satisfied with this, so Twitter is probably blowing the hell up, but that just makes me love it more. I couldn't be more excited or pleased with how things ended, personally. XOXO.
At some point I'm not exactly clear on just yet, Serena submitted a page of Blair's diary to the real Gossip Girl, with the hopes of sinking the blossoming Dair and/or putting Chair back together. Between the setting of the bomb and its explosion, however, Blair and Serena had a really sweet scene together that seemed it might have solved Serena's season-long problem with being a crazy person. Bart returned to eff up Lily and Rufus's effed-up marriage. Oh, and way back before the show started, Serena and Nate did it at the Shepherd Wedding, which spun Serena out into a pants-free killing spree that ended with her sending herself to boarding school. Tonight -- brilliantly! -- the Shepherds are getting divorced.
In the real world, of course, our loss was Smash's gain. I've bitched nonstop about the show for the last two years, of course, but I must say that everything I didn't like over here will be a great boon over there. Safran's a stand-up guy, and I'll miss his particular viewpoint. The silver lining is that -- for GG's final, 11-episode season, the exec will be Sara Goodman, who I very much adore. To wit: Georgina takes down Poppy Lifton's Ponzi scheme, loses the love of Jesus and Lily sends Serena to Gotye jail! Jenny orders a Halloween assassination hit on Eric's boyfriend! Jenny and the drug-shrug! That fake psychiatrist lady is brainwashed into giving Lily fake cancer! Nate and Raina vogue, stoned, while Eric and Damian's relationship goes from creepy to creepier! And those are just the pretty good ones; she also wrote these highlights of the series-as-a-whole: Dan fingerbangs Cousin Peepers on Queller's desk, and she makes him call her Serena! Serena and her best buddy Inspector Chevalier solve the mystery of Henry Prince! And then -- in addition to tonight's finale episode -- the gold-star High Achiever Award-Winner of the last two seasons overall: The Night Of 1000 Serenas, where Juliet roofies her and kidnaps her! Anyway, that's what is going on behind the scenes, and I couldn't be happier: Two shows will be coming back in the fall with a shitload of firepower behind them, and I think it'll be great.