Lola: "As long as everybody else is merrily marching into hell, I might as well be a part of it. Let's fuck everything up for everybody, shall we?"
Blair: "Hey, Chuck. Heard any good jokes lately?"
Chuck: "B, I'm more mature than that. What do I care about some shit you wrote in your diary a year ago? We've had some really intense and honest conversations since then."
Blair: "Exactly! Thank you. Nobody seems to get that, even though it's obvious."
Chuck: "Oh, I'm not done. Are we back in love? Have you dumped Dan yet? Because I'm moving on with my life otherwise."
Blair: "Um. I have not broken up with Dan. At this time."
Chuck: "Then this isn't exactly an ultimatum, is it?"
Dan text: This is what an ultimatum looks like. If you don't show up at the Shepherd Divorce Party and say the exact words in the exact order that I've been whining about for weeks now, I will take somebody's virginity at the top of the Empire State Building.
Absolutely stunning. She's headed out for the Shepherd Party, either because Blair fired her from Serena Recon duty or because that's part of her cover story, but either way it doesn't matter, because Serena buys her out from under Blair with an offer she can't refuse: Serena, Penny and the rest of the Minions are going to take Blair the fuck out.
It won't give S a home, but then she doesn't need one anymore. Just a cave with a cauldron and Internet access. As much as I was sorta dreading how this would all go down, I admit I'm impressed. They so quickly rerouted this storyline from "one small detail about Dair" to "everything everybody did" that it couldn't be less about Dan, just as I hoped. And the issue of blame, too, is instantly gone now that everyone's nuclear all of a sudden. We are all sons of bitches now. Serena Plan!
Penelope Text: "Keeping Blair home while you do horrible things. Serena Plan!"
Serena: "Dan! I hope you don't read Gossip Girl right now while I'm standing here..."
Dan: "She was just Spotted at the Empire? Man."
Serena: "She's probably just reiterating that she and Chuck are broke up for good. PS, this is what my unconvincing lie face looks like. Serena Plan!"
Then something marblemouthed that I bet is a very funny line, but even after listening to it six times still sounds like, "Come on, let's galoonytunesy alimony while we wait."