Well, that was certainly a GG premiere. Painful exposition, repetitive old tropes and constant discussion of the "transition" we're sure to see in all the characters once the season really starts... And not much else. Well, Vanessa's weave looks like Samuel L. Jackson playing yet another homeless/savant/caveperson, but at least her ability to clothe herself has improved. However, with her new buddy -- the Wentz-Navarro eyelinered Pilot Inspektor, who makes Aaron Rose look like twice the thespian and half the stalker -- egging her on, she becomes twice the Lisa Simpson she's been up to this point. Hopefully her obsession with the contents of Dan's pants (in this case a designer wallet full of Lily's money) will go away as quickly as it has the last three or four times we've had to listen to her bang on and on about how Dan can't "be himself" in a hand-me-down suit or whatever the fucking fixed-gear hell.

First and forever chucker Rufus is adapting just fine to the sweet life, thank you very much, without regard to his previous and inevitably future whining about Scary Evil Money. He moons around as per usual pretending to give a shit about his kids, in this case Serena, then sighing audibly with relief the second they lie baldly enough to let him off the hook. And what with his secret son crawling up his ass about Lincoln Hawk under the guise of being Vanessa's even-pushier boytoy, he's already in heaven anyway. I really hope Scott goes off the fucking chain at some point and ties Rufus to that bridge. But even moreso, I hope he stops making that one face.

Meanwhile the only interesting thing about Rufus, Lily, is off having some more real life drama/taking care of the ailing CeCe, and so isn't around to laugh at his ridiculous attempt at parenting wild-child Serena, which involves shaking his head manfully at thirty-seven magazines detailing her summer antics and then inviting her to throw out the first ball at a polo tournament. Alas, Vanessa is too busy bitching at Dan and acting nuts up and down the eastern seaboard to even begin to instruct Rufus in the manly arts.

Chuck and Blair are having sad monogamy issues that amount to picking up stray hos and then having a knock-down about them so that they can kiss and make up. This is only slightly healed at the polo match when Blair, believing that he's run off with some tranny/one of the horses, has a tiny fit and then makes him play waiter/unsatisfied customer. So they're pretty much grosser than they've ever, ever been. You know what's less than totally interesting? Watching the hottest couple on TV act like Real Housewives. Next week: Handcuffs and hot wax!

Serena and Dan are like: How they are. (Well, Dan looks fucking fine. Like, Carter Baizen amounts. I don't know what they did there, but I want them to keep doing it.) Dan's whole deal -- and get this -- is that he wants to control Serena and know everything about her life, which causes her to -- note -- act cagey and spooky about everything, tell inordinately bizarre lies about Carter Baizen stalking her Georgie-style, and then when it comes crashing down around her -- ya see -- gallop away on a literal horse to fuck Carter Baizen in the forest, which he loves because it reminds him of the Shire whence his hot ass came. Oh, and this all happens in a saffron toga dress, because of Serena and toga dresses.

Jenny and Eric are very sneaky for some Serena-related reason, but as fast as they can keep the secrets the secrets keep getting out, so then they act all sneaky some more and cover some more secrets up. I would tell you what the secrets are, except those two are so sneaky and the secrets are so boring you'll just have to believe me when I tell you that you don't care. Jenny's hair looks like it was slept on by the entirety of Lady Gaga's entourage, and she has gained the cracked palsied lips of a ten-time bridesmaid. Not that I'm complaining, because the only person that wins at hair this week, besides obviously S and B, is Dan. Even Nate looks fluffier than usual, and Rufus just looks like one of those pervy blowdried soap-stars one hears about.

If you're wondering why we've gotten this far and I still haven't told you the plot, that's because there isn't any. Everybody goes around acting weird and overexplaining boring things whilst looking fabulous, and then they go to a polo match and act weird and overexplain some more things in some outfits, and then they get weird about the polo match at which nothing happened while being glamorous, and discuss said uneventful polo match weirdly and in detail. Imagine The Hills with even less chewing.

The only fallout is that 1) Nate is now dating a rat-faced girl who belongs to like the Capulet family of the Archibalds, and throws a lame-Serena version of a hissy about it so Gramps knows he's throwing a fit, and generally gets no character traction at all; and 2) Serena has gone from being a fascinatingly blasé human being to the kind of cardboard teen who wants to be in the tabloids and continue to act like a whore "as long as it takes," she literally says, to get her negligent father's attention. Take that, Daddy! Way to toss two years of complex characterization in the sickest toilet imaginable. Maybe next week she'll flash some beev.

Welcome back, I love you very much, next week will be better. Believe, as I do, in Serena van der Woodsen and in the Blair/Chuck thing, and cross your fingers in anticipation of Georgina next week. XOXO.