Dan runs off to "do something" for Rufus -- which he honestly thinks of the polo match as being, because he's the exact same D-Hump he's always been and also, nobody in the universe actually enjoys polo -- and V asks if she can walk him to the subway, and he says no, because he's on the 6, just like Jenny from the Block, for whom legitimacy one remembers is "like breathing." Vanessa stands up in, oh, some hotpants painted in some kind of neon Navajo design, and the waitress brings her some sunglasses, and I thought for a second that Vanessa said, "These are my friends!" but in fact of course she says, "These are my friend's," and runs out with her hair finally looking good for one second to see Dan getting into a limousine, and whatever was left of her sense of decency and does a Brooklyn thing of its own, if you know what I mean, right in her Cheerios.
Dear Vanya calls up to alert Rufus to the fact that "the camera people" are going through the Humphrey-van der Bass garbage, and as he wonders about this sudden uptick of interest in Serena, the kids show up and blow her spot, such as it is. Under Rufus's hooded swear they are mumblers and it doesn't take long before they spill the beans, such as they are.
When Chuck gets home, Blair's there like a cocker spaniel, wiggling and suspicious. He tells her he was with Nate, and she giggles at herself. He suggests "a little go-see at a modeling agency downtown," where they can pick out their next victim/fake-threesome, and they test each other carefully. She swallows, he smiles delightfully and once again offers to just stay home. Thinking it's some new kind of trick, she laughs lightly and stalks off to get her purse. They are both disappointed and afraid.
Rufus pores through the pile of magazines that contain all of Serena's misdeeds -- going topless on Valentino's yacht, dancing on tables in Barcelona, body shots with Prince Harry -- and Rufus points out that there's a guy in lots of them that you can't really make out. Not even Dan recognizes him, despite having had numerous experiences with him, but we know from last season that she spent this time abroad with Carter Baizen, who will now appear in the next scene to answer Rufus's question.
Serena flees the paparazzi, realizing things never go her way when she rubs the lamp, and Carter appears out of nowhere, all, "I was in the neighborhood!" Actually, Gossip Girl reported her return and he came looking for her, explaining darkly that she can't avoid "what happened" forever. He grins, but she very pragmatically reaches back and undoes her halter, squealing "Oh, no!" in her best Marilyn voice before darting into the thick of the cameramen, nearly grinning back at him over her shoulder. "Spotted: Serena van der Woodsen, giving Carter Baizen the slip. But what happened between them when TMZ was MIA? Something tells me the truth is just out of focus..."
Wouldn't be GG without old GG talking crazy. Nate calls Chuck, having received a free car, a polo invite, and a note from William Vanderbilt: "Most unfortunate you missed out on the summer. Good thing fall internships begin next week!" Chuck, with Blair on his arm, offers Nate his sincerest condolences on being part of a family, and Nate decides for the fifth time running that his moment has come and he needs to break off from his family once and for all. "And I think I know how I'm gonna do it," he says, and you know this is going to be a plan so stupid even Serena would just cluck and shake her head.
In that very same coffee shop, V is complaining to Scott about how Dan lied about his mode of transportation and also that he was "helping his dad tomorrow," which was true but not as true as Gossip Girl's report that he's attending the Vanderbilt polo match in a Dior suit. Scott pretends he doesn't know what "Dior" means, by virtue of saying he's going to pretend he knows what "Dior" means. Vanessa drags us all back into the snarly mess of her head about God forbid Dan think she's judging him, and Scott points out that she is. He has no idea. "I'm not judging! I get it," Vanessa lies. "If I had a limo that followed me around, I'd take it too," Vanessa lies. "I'm his best friend, and I support him no matter what," Vanessa lies. "Even if he were rich and dressed like Truman Capote," Vanessa lies, and truths. Scott tells her to explain what a great friend she is to Dan, so then he'll understand what a great friend she is. Scott and Vanessa are two creeps in a pod.