Gossip Girl
Reversals Of Fortune

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
A Rider Like My Father

Nate and Bree Buckley go blah-blah and then he drags her over to Grandfather, shoving her and the free car keys in William's face like a little prick, and then wandering away after like one second so that Bree is stranded awkwardly in enemy territory. Bree and William stare at each other and then William remembers that he is a grown-ass adult and doesn't need to play Nate's retarded games, and goes back to dealing with his invited guests.

Blair and Chuck sit boredly at a table, pronouncing their terrine bland and juleps weak, and that's all the polo words we know, I guess. Alexandra Richards walks by in a cute grey number, and Blair makes up lies about her that a publicist would make bank on: "Look at her, floating through the party with her perfect pout and flawless figure..." All I see is gums. Of the sort you'd expect at a polo match. But then, I guess a real socialite is a good get for this show, and you gotta keep them happy. She looks enough like Serena, albeit in the same way her inbred Vermont cousin would, that the metaphor stays intact. They talk about how A-Rich would be a good score if they were still playing, and there's some long-distance flirting, and Blair's almost reluctant about how the game's over.

"Everything is so... White," Scott says, and Vanessa goes, "Welcome to my world!" It's Vanessa's world, we all just live in it. And have fun in it, instead of sucking constantly and being unbearable. Scott spots Dan, which surprises V because they only met once, but of course even without the stalker/half-brother aspect, he's sort of noticeable in the Dior suit, being that he looks fucking incredible. Rufus leaves Dan to get a drink at the bar, so Scott sends V and her scary hair over to bother Dan some more, so he can approach Rufus alone.

It takes her picoseconds. "Nice suit," she says. Those are the words that come out of her mouth. Dan, relatably enough, asks if she really needs to go all the way to Connecticut to be a bitch to him when she'd already done such a great job in Brooklyn, and -- admittedly -- just before she can apologize for all that, Blair appears and drags him away to do whatever dumbass thing they're going to do to Carter, leaving Vanessa standing there and becoming more bitter by the second. Perhaps it is a trick of the light or simply Vanessa's lovely and mesmerizing eyes, but I could swear her nasty hair starts growing some snakes. There's a hissing and an undulation. Maybe she'll finally push him so hard he actually figures out how horrible they make each other.

Scott introduces himself to Rufus, but then acts totally spazzy when Rufus tries to shake his hand. I mean, if we knew more of Scott than his creepy eyelashes and spooky lips and ability to be more Vanessa than Vanessa, this would be a monumental moment: Finally meeting the father you've been angling after for more than a year, kissing Dan's literary ass and dating his castoffs. That's heady. But since the Aaron Rose scars are still healing and Scott has a stupid face and crummy parents and that's all we know, it's more interesting because way to out-awkward Rufus Humphrey. "I've always been a fan of your music," Scott says, which whether coincidental or insightful are of course the perfect words to say to Rufus to make him fall forever into love with you. He's probably already rearranging the bedrooms in PRADA MARFA before they've let go of each other's hands.

(But then, who knows what it was like for Scotty? Dead brother, weird parents. We don't know any more about his home life than we do Vanessa's, and this show's always been good about keeping family dynamics in hand, so maybe it's still early days. He could have been kept in a box for all we know, like Profit or Kaspar Hauser. Do you know him? I love feral children because that's what we are. But he's my favorite because... I don't know why. I don't really want to know why, actually. He had a little wooden horse in his hands when he stumbled into town and the only words he knew were "I want to be a rider, like my father." I mean, how does that happen?)

Blair approaches Carter, whose last visit to the show was when he was Valmonting all over her liaisons and intentions, and he's none too happy to see her. Especially when she informs him that the polo invite was totally a trick so that he could be served with a restraining order. Specifically, to stay a hundred feet away from Blair Waldorf, who will be attaching herself to Serena's side until his threat is dealt with. Dan and Blair are very cute noting his distance from them, and as B's calling for security, Serena comes floating up all, "Hey guys!" Her realization that Dan and Blair are bullying Carter because of her lie is delightful. She's just like, "What? Oh, right. The stalking. My bad."

Carter's offended about the stalking lie, and pulls a classic GG move: "You wanna tell them the truth, or should I?" Whenever anybody says that on this show, you get the fuck out of there. Leave your shit and get out. They talk about "the truth" and what it is, and Carter intones spookily, "Sooner or later, you're gonna be alone, with no one taking your picture. What will you do then?" Unrealistically cryptic! It's unrealipstic!

Nacho, a real life polo player, brings Serena the news that the first chukker is about to begin, and she bounces without so much as a fare-the-well, while ninja hobbit Carter melts into the night. It all happens way fast. Blair and Dan look at each other starved for information, while in the tents A-Rich and Chuck hit on each other, and elsewhere Scott and Rufus do the same thing. I don't recap conversations where people say "bootleg" or "vinyl," but basically Rufus tries to relate to Scott as his fan-slash-Vanessa's BF, and Scott just sort of stares at him longingly. Hey Scott, if you really want attention from your estranged father you should just flash your tits like that stripper you call a sister.

...Who, saffron toga flapping gorgeously in the last of the summer light, has just jumped onto a polo horse like Joan of Arc and gone galloping into the forest. You know I love Serena, especially when she does shit like this, but I have to say of all the inventively bizarre solutions Serena has come up with over the years, this is by far the best. That's a whole letter grade just by itself. Everybody stares at how awesome she is, and she does a lap for the paps before disappearing, Carter's stolen horse hot on her heels. That shit makes me feel sorry I hated this episode so much. That's just brazen. Flagrant.

Meanwhile, Bree Buckley's pointy face and Nate Archibald's confusing face are having a face-off because of how he just totally fucked her over and sprung a whole minefield on her for no reason, and he tries to explain it's because she's so awesome and rebellious just like him, but he's no Chuck and she's no Nate, so she isn't fooled. Instead, she tells him the longest story he or anyone has ever heard, and since he forgets it while it's happening I guess I should record it here: She was totally rebellious and crummy to her family like Nate is being, but then she missed her cousin's tragic wedding where she was left at the altar, and so now she's back here wearing a tiny crucifix and feeling guilty about life.

Substitute "gay brother's suicide attempt" for "cousin's wedding nightmare," though, right? That's pretty interesting. Anyway, Nate patiently waits for Bree to shut up, and then changes his tune immediately and kisses her in a barn and says that he wasn't really using her, because he totally likes her, because after secretly dating every girl on this show at some point, not to mention cougars and the whole thing with Chuck, he's used to the down-low.

Carter, ahorseback, finds Serena posing beautifully and pointlessly, as one would have imagined, in a sun-dappled glade. She informs him that he is not her boyfriend, and he says he's the keeper of her secrets, and he calls her an attention whore for flashing boobs and stealing horses, and she tells him she gets enough attention anyway. "Yeah, plenty from everyone e

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