Previously: Liz Hurley skipped town, maybe, leaving Nate in charge of some sort of tabloid concern. Bleggers and Prince Louis broke up for the bajillionth time after he was hypnotized into performing unspeakable acts on Serena's computer. Dan may be spiraling out of control or maybe it was just like "Dan does this for eight episodes and then gets a girlfriend," but either way he has certainly assumed the Monkey position, w/r/t Chuck Bass. Serena I don't even remember, but she's jobless and dating Max, whom Ivy has turned evil through her constant whining whines.
Over shots of the fountain where Serena and Blair fell back in love during the original season, GG explains that she is defunct due to the clusterfuck for whom Serena, Nate, Eric, Jonathan, Diana and Louis are all partially to blame, but especially Louis.
Ivy: "Wow, Grandma CeCe sure wore a lot of lamé at one point when she was a scary but not a functional alcoholic like now. No wonder Serena can't distinguish day and night apparel. Apparently being Serena was a good idea in the '70s."
Lily: "She used to ride elephants a lot to Studio 54 (?) so we are throwing her a party (?). She will be sharing it with Bianca Jagger, because all of the adults on this show are the same age, and also the children on this show somehow. Don't tell CeCe though, she exists in this Michael Moorcock space where nobody lived in her stupid timezone."
CeCe: "...Hey guys! Bianca Jagger is a butthole. Cousin Peepers that I've never met, you look great."
CeCe: "I dated Ryan O'Neal! And also Abraham Lincoln. I am a time traveler. Are you an elephant or are you drugs? Don't lie to me. What time is it? Oh shit it's still crazy early."
Serena: "I love how you're so poor and trashy! I love walking around places talking in this mincing voice and not having sex apparently."
Max: "Baby, let's just say restaurants for a good long while."
Max: "Can I slash we please make a cake for CeCe's Studio 54 party?"
Serena: "As long as we lick spoons and have food fights and other 'cute' things."
Max: "God, we are already the worst."
Serena: "After Dan I thought maybe it would take forever, and then I thought never. I will never find somebody I loved as much as the awful boy I loved when I was fifteen. And then I met a person who was another person, and I thought maybe I could love. And that happened fifteen times in a row, and here we are. Boyfriend."