SERENA PLAN! She calls old Max up and tells him to meet her at PRADA instead of the discotheque. She's already in a ridiculous costume, so I guess we should have seen this one coming. Oh my God, a Serena Plan and Tripp. I haven't been this excited since the Inside episode.
Alessandra: "My vile tweets are a sales strategy."
Dan: "Okay, sure. Conversation over. Tiny little plotline over."
Alessandra: "Buck up, though. You also have a dude on your jock so hard, have you seen this homo?"
Dan: "I have. I have, and he is me. It is I who am that homo. That homo, c'est moi."
Nate & Granderbilt figure out, based on no information, that Maureen is faking the affair to earn Tripp sympathy votes, same as when she pitched that father of five into the Hudson for the Hudson Hero Gambit. This Maureen, she will do whatever it takes. Just to lend this idea some credence, they do the nastiest trick TV writers ever do -- "Makes sense, don't it?" -- and then follow up with the second-nastiest -- "It's a brilliant scheme!" Like how everybody would cry during a speech on West Wing and you'd be like, But the writer himself wrote that speech, and then wrote everybody crying about how great it was. Same guy.
Nate: "So on the upside, I'm not going to run the fake affair story."
Granderbilt: "I thought we just said it was a good..."
Nate: "I will run this story! I never get tired of fucking things up for Tripp and this family. I am indefatigable in that regard, sir."
(They stare at each other for one million years.)
Nate: "I'll do the right thing, don't worry."
Ugh. Cake-tasting, more Dorota bullshit, whatever. Chuck arrives.
Chuck: "Why did you walk out on therapy? My therapist thought you were upset about that thing you were obviously upset about. But I only returned the ring because you told me to let you go. The one active stance you have taken on any issue this entire season."
Blair: "All this time I've blamed you for pulling me into the dark. But I was wrong. It was me who brought out your dark side, and now I'm doing the same thing to Louis."
She whispers how sorry she is and waddles away, but I'm sorry. No. I'm all for having them on equal footing -- both assholes, neither victims -- but saying it's Blair's fault he's a violent, creepster rapist? Really? That far, huh?