Rufus: "As Tina Fey once noted, if you talk back to the haters on the internet that means you are a crazy person."
Dan: "I am already a crazy person. I have created an online avatar for the world wide web. Nobody will never know it is me, shooting down every bad review on Amazon."
Rufus: "Worked for Jill Zarin, right?"
Dan: "Good one, Dad. Good burn."
Rufus: "I just watch TV all day in a Snuggie and drink wine while Lily plans parties for other people that she doesn't even attend, so I know who that is. You and me, we're like if Teen Mom and Quantum Kitchen had an even sadder baby."
Dan: "Surprisingly, my agent is no longer talking to me. After I dicked her and disappeared, both any number of times."
Rufus: "Less surprisingly, she no longer calls me -- the father of an adult person. But if she did, I would say for you to leave the house and do something radical like go to an old woman's elephant party."
GG: "I have nothing else to talk about, so I guess Dan Humphrey. He has an obsessed hater on the internet. His name is most likely Jacob Clifton."
Rufus: "I just want to hear fuckin' Drake tell me his entire life story like five more times and then I'll be good to go. Apparently Toronto figures heavily in this Westeros amount of fucking epic storytelling. You sit tight. With your hair like it is, you're not going anywhere."
Prince Louis, get this, the reason he's out of town for this episode is that he's doing charity work with that evil sexy priest his sister is boffing. I don't believe a word you say about Louis anymore, I was going to say, but this is just ridiculous enough to be awesome. I'm glad Father Whatever is back in play.
Blair: "I still love Louis! Verbatim I just want to marry the sweet prince who returned my Vivier slipper and made me believe in fairytales, not one of the Brothers Grimm."
Dorota: "[Metaphor. Same basic concept, but even more awful because it's Dorota. Just know that this episode gets Savage amounts of Better.]"
Blair and Dorota decide that Chuck and Louis have Freaky Friday problems, and Blair decides to put this fanciful information into play somehow. Hope it gets weird! Just kidding, I won't be addressing it again because it is stupid. Trust that Dorota keeps up this theme about that thing, and it doesn't pan out, because that's even dumber than this show, which is how we roll. Just a little less stupider than the broken shards of the almost-story that drops from the lips of the worst thing on the show starring everybody else.