Did I or did I not say, on these very pages only a week ago, that if I were Serena and Dair even raised its head above water, I would take every single one of these motherfuckers down with me? I did.

I neglected to mention, however, that I would do it while dressed as some kind of paramilitary sex mirage.

Serena: "To DUMBO!"
Louis: "Uh, maybe I should navigate."

DUMBO

Dan: "So?"
Blair, heartbroken: "Well, Chuck pussed out. So problem solved, I guess."
Dan: "Uh, congrats?"

She is devastated. He grabs her and she holds on tight.

Dan: "Hey, what if you don't marry Louis? Because that is beyond stupid?"
Blair, not getting it: "Like be a single mom? That's the logical next step of the hash I'm making of my one-promising life."
Dan: "Uh, no. Like, don't you want to be happy?"
Blair, verbatim: "I don't think I know how to anymore."
Dan: "Well..."
say it say it say it
Dan: "I think I know how to make you happy."

Fuck yeah! Even Blair maybe understands what he's about this time.

THE STREETS, WHERE CAROL IS WELCOME

William is just standing around on some corner when Tripp gets out of some random car -- maybe this was a planned meeting? -- and they have a brief conversation about how Nate is the new Tripp and Tripp is nothing, and then William walks away, but also just chilling on this same random corner is Max, who immediately approaches to say how sick he is of "these people" pushing him around. Of course this show would just shove William Vanderbilt into the "Rhodes Women" category and everybody would start scheming about that even though the two things have literally nothing connecting them beyond Tripp and Max looking similar.

Tripp: "Do we have to make out?"
Max: "Looking at our IMDbs it seems inevitable."
(Serena: "In real life, every guy I kissed actually would turn out bi.")
They: Scheme about these people.

DUMBO

Speaking of random meetings, Louis and Chuck show up outside Dan's door at the same time. I am past caring or understanding why this is happening.

Chuck: "The Prince and the Pill-popper. This should be fun. Shall we?"

No answer, so Chuck says this mysterious thing -- "The man can't hold his liquor or his narcotics. Last time he tried to crash at my place, I learned where he hid his spare key" --and they enter the loft, but it is empty. I'm still confused by what that meant. Is he referring to Dan using drugs? And that Dan came to his house in Manhattan on drugs and then Chuck took him back to Brooklyn for some reason? I am legitimately confused! But I still don't care. I love everything right now.