The big dark secret of why Diana? Literally, William says this is mostly about how he thought -- for no reason I can imagine -- that Nate would "enjoy journalism." Also, because he wanted to control Tripp's press... Which itself he was creating. You know what, whatever. I love Nate and I love how he has nothing to do with the rest of this show, just wears clothes and acts responsible and smokes pot.

THEN MAX

Max: "Hey, Nate? I'm Max..."
Nate: "FUCK YOU, BUDDY."
Max: "Seriously, this is the story of the century. This is better than that guy that got hypnotized to perform unspeakable acts."
Nate: "Now that would be a story I could print. Good day, sir."

DUMBO

Dan: "Man, there are paparazzi everywhere at my house! I'm so glad we're friends and siblings again."
Serena: "Obviously it's because Blair is there, idiot. You got Gossip Girl'd."
Dan: "Wait, so are we fighting again or..."
Serena: "Look, motherfucker. You can't see my face, but I am Thunder Perfect Minding my way to a Dark Phoenix meltdown right now, so you listen the fuck up. You invited Blair over to your Brooklyn love den to tell her how you feel, I know you did. And that is a mistake. Here are the following reasons. One, she is pregnant. Two, she is engaged. Three, there is also Chuck."
ibid, verbatim: "Dan, this is not the time to be throwing your hat into the ring."

It's so hard to understand people who don't love Serena. I mean, this is the most Serena-like she's been in a long time, but it's so satisfying when she goes there. Especially with the Humps.

Dan: "Like why do you even care?"
Serena, verbatim: "Because unlike you, I have her best interests at heart? Telling her your feelings is not gonna change your ending, it's just gonna mess with hers."

RIGHT? But Dan gets pretty awesome here too.

Dan, verbatim: "Well listen, the fact is, this doesn't concern you at all."

True enough. But then he goes into this whole I'm going to fuck everything up for everybody like a fuckface and embarrass myself and permanently damage about five different relationships for no reason whatsoever place, like defiantly, and the funny part is that he doesn't even know -- so how could Serena -- that Chuck would totally approve this entire thing going down. He would actually be on Dan's side of this fight.