Whoa. From the top: Charlie's big debut party is the big party; somehow she has to plan for it while constantly dodging Max's lurking and screamy phone calls. She commits herself again to being a Rhodes forever, despite Max's warnings, but then once the thing happens at the end of the episode, she turns tail and runs again, promising never to return, which we know is a lie.
Tripp gets fussy after Granderbilt chooses Nate for his #1 scion, eventually hooking up with Max toward some nefarious future purpose. Nate spends the whole episode getting ready for Plato's Retreat, but then misses out because of the thing that happens at the end of the episode, at the ground zero of which he is.
To escape the paparazzi, Blair flees to DUMBO and enlists Dan's help in choosing the man she should be with. He never quite manages to offer himself as a contender, but there is a lot of teasing before we get there. Serena, incensed that he's finally saying it out loud, supports Prince Louis. Chuck, in his quiet way, supports Dan. Louis is a non-issue, of course. But once Serena yells at him, Dan reconsiders and pushes Blair into Chuck's arms once again -- impressing Serena, and bringing back her own secret crush.
Lily and Chuck have one of their wonderful bonding moments, which makes sense because Charlie's big party is at his house, which doesn't really make sense. Worried that Max will spill her secret to the paparazzi, Charlie tips Gossip Girl off to Blair and Chuck's reconciliation, ruining her own party in a way that barely makes any sense at all.
So now you've got Dan and Serena chilling at the Empire, the party's over, Nate's on his way to Plato's Retreat, and Chuck and Blair are off to break the news to Louis... But alas, the paparazzi follow them, resulting in a car accident unlike anything you may have heard about in the news or your history books.
While Blair languishes and Chuck hangs out in yet another coma, Lily stresses and Rufus harrumphs and Serena and Nate decide to take down Gossip Girl just like Diana always wanted. But what's this? The second Uncle Jack hears that Chuck's been injured, his first call is to Diana Payne, who worriedly agrees to meet him in NYC immediately.
Why, I simply can't imagine why she would be his first call, right? I mean, she straight told Chuck she didn't recognize him...
16 Jan: Blair's usual pissing match with God, Chuck's usual problems with car accidents and hospitals, the secrets of Payne and Bass and Vanderbilt, and Charlie's inevitable and probably immediate return. How funny would it be if Chuck just fucking died?
Tripp and Nate apparently made up. Serena looked awesome crazy in honor of CeCe's druggie history. Chuck figured out that Dan was in love with Blair, and was cool with it because he has been replaced by the nicest guy of all time. Dan was going to make a movie, then he wasn't, and he crapped on Serena for about the millionth time. She still isn't over it. Ivy became Charlie Rhodes on a permanent basis once Max executed a left-field face-heel turn of epic proportion. Oh, and Gossip Girl got torpedoed by Louis, lending yet more credence to Nate's ... whatever it is. His media concern.
Everybody's having waffles for breakfast while they discuss Charlie's year-too-late social debut into UES society. Which, as we all know, amounts to mostly people that live in PRADA. Dan and Rufus have their favorite conversation about how Inside is doing, and this week it is doing great thanks to Alessandra's highly ethical use of social networking.
Rufus: "More waffles, Dan? I am parenting."
Serena: "I got some spare bitchface if anybody needs more."
Charlie: "Morning, everybody! I just destroyed my old identity in Jenny's room, cutting up my identification and other papers into small chunks. I hope that Rufus doesn't go through my trash like always."
Serena: "Seriously, this bitchface is getting cold. Dan, would you like a heaping helping?"
Dan: "I've got some to share with you, too. How about I call you a whore for the first of many times at breakfast?"
Gossip Girl: "Turns out getting hacked ruins your credibility. Somebody please send me some infos on some people."
Charlie: "I can't believe I finally get to have a coming out party, and see what a spa looks like. Tell me again the upper-crusty story of how Aunt Carol's debut was as obnoxious as everything else about her."
Everybody: Has just straight-up started slugging champagne at breakfast. Lily's a trendsetter!
Charlie: "Oh, sorry about my psycho ex-boyfriend who tried to warn you about me."
Lily: "That dude had problems!"
Dan: "No wonder Serena liked him so much."
Serena: "Nice burn on yourself, retard."
Serena: "Between the waffles, that cowl-neck and million necklaces, and this big party in your honor, I'd say all that's keeping you from once again going Single White Female all over my life is that you still don't have the boobs."