Gossip Girl
Riding In Town Cars With Boys

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 2 USERS: A+
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So Much for My Happy Ending

DUMBO

Speaking of random meetings, Louis and Chuck show up outside Dan's door at the same time. I am past caring or understanding why this is happening.

Chuck: "The Prince and the Pill-popper. This should be fun. Shall we?"

No answer, so Chuck says this mysterious thing -- "The man can't hold his liquor or his narcotics. Last time he tried to crash at my place, I learned where he hid his spare key" --and they enter the loft, but it is empty. I'm still confused by what that meant. Is he referring to Dan using drugs? And that Dan came to his house in Manhattan on drugs and then Chuck took him back to Brooklyn for some reason? I am legitimately confused! But I still don't care. I love everything right now.

BIG PARTY

Charlie's beautiful beauty is introduced -- by Rufus, hilariously -- to a reporter from WWD and they speak of Badgley Mischka and get their social life on. Charlie, heeding Serena's warnings about the boobs, has released hers into the wild. Rufus and the guy run off to giggle and drink cocktails, and Lily makes a crazy face at Charlie to go with her crazy look. She's wearing a giant chainlink necklace and her hair... I don't know, man. She looks insane. And Charlie couldn't look better. Strange old world.

CHUCK'S HUMAN SACRIFICE ROOM

Blair: "Take this polyester rag off my face right now, Humphrey! And who doesn't keep a silk blindfold in their bedside table?"

With a certain amount of kinky gusto, apparently, Dan's plan involves wrapping a scarf around Blair's head, ignoring her characteristically frumpy bizarre costume, and taking her to a secret and scary room in the Empire suite with a fireplace and a million candles and black walls and scariness everywhere you look. I think maybe this is the room where Lily took Russell Thorpe down and Raina came leaping out of some secret compartment and drove him to set Blair on fire that time.

Blair: "You ... brought me to watch a human sacrifice. Or an episode of The Bachelor. Either way, I am not happy."

(I've never seen that show. Isn't it just prostitution? I've always wondered if I'm missing something about that show, because if it's what I think it is then we turned the corner into Caligula years ago and nobody noticed. I'm serious: Is it not, literally, a show about prostitutes? How can that be a show?)

Dan explains that this is his amazing way of keeping her away from the paparazzi. So now he's just cliffhangering us himself, right? Fucking with shippers on his own? Because I'm pretty sure he just outright told her that he was in love with her and that she should marry him and he can raise her baby and call it Milo. Did that not just happen?

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