STOP DICKENS MY HEART AROUND
Max: "I am still a threat!"
Charlie: "Like, no, you're really not. We covered this."
Max: "Grr! Bone structure! Haircut! Great wardrobe all over this episode!"
Max hangs up and in some kind of foreshadow move I don't understand yet picks up a copy of that newspaper website which carries on its front page a huge picture of Nate and the headline FAMILY FIRST? NEITHER PAWN NOR PUPPET. Max is too much of a Florida rube to notice that A) Nate totally wrote and designed this himself, and thus is becoming a cooter, and B) "Pawn" and "puppet" are essentially synonyms in this context.
Lol. Neither Pawn Nor Puppet. God, I love this show.
Rufus: "This is mainly what I do, just wander the house poking into other people's business. What are you up to?"
Serena: "I am reading old Gossip Girl blasts. I've been to Santorini and I've been to Connecticut, Rufus, but I've never been to me."
Rufus: "This all makes a tremendous amount of sense. And what are you learning?"
Serena: "I am a ho, apparently. Dan and Nate are the best guys I've ever dated."
Wrong! These are the kind of self-hating things that happen when you let Dan Humphrey speak to you. Tripp, duh. Maybe even better than Nate was he. Professor Colin was pretty great.
Gabriel, Cousin Ben and Damien Dalgaard were in the middle, due to various demerits respectively: 1) Engaging in a supermodel-run Ponzi Scheme, 2) Having three distinct personalities including Sister-Threatener, Jailbird and Jailbait-Taker, and of course 3) Turning your little brother into a drug-addicted sex slave.
In fact the only real disasters you've slept with were Aaron Bobby, who is your brother-in-law by bestie -- and totally gross (belying his utter greatness in the wonderful movie Timer, which Netflix is right to keep recommending you, by the way) -- and Georgina Martha Marcy May Marlene Serena Sarah Savannah Svetlana Sparks.
And even her, only because it involved murdering a guy.
Rufus: "Anyway, I'm Team Dan. Not to mention the fact that Dan's sex life is my favorite thing in this universe. Because I am mentally ill."
Serena: "I don't really remember dating him."
Rufus: "Your first date he was so tweaked out, I almost roofied him."
Serena: "Rufus, you always give great advice."
Rufus: "I think it's neat how you are such good friends now and also siblings."
Serena: "What I hear you saying is that I should fall back in love with him."