Gossip Girl
Roman Holiday

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Vanity Blair

In the bathroom, Vanessa is beginning to look a bit worried. Mostly this is due to the fact that Blair has picked up a gleaming pair of barber's scissors and is toying with them like a cat with the head of a small woodland creature. "It's so nice, what you're doing for your friend Dan. Helping his girlfriend make his Christmas present. Serena is so grateful, because she likes to see the best in people. I like to see the truth." I only took Latin, French, Spanish and Ancient Greek in school, but I did get born speaking Blair, so I'll translate: "It's cool that you've pulled the wool over Serena's eyes, because in her current phase of Not Being An Evil Whore, she enjoys thinking she's making friends. You and I know better. So even though I respect the level on which you're playing, I know that I could kill you right now and Serena wouldn't be too upset about that, although it's in her best interest to think you're on the level. On the other hand, you're not really a problem for me right now, so you can live. Be afraid." Vanessa, cracking a bit around the edges of her remote lack of self-interest and total investment in Dan's relationship with Serena, blurts out a paltry, "Oh yeah?" Um, yeah. "I think you like Dan a little too much. Just thought I should let you know someone's watching. Merry Christmas." Vanessa literally flies all the way back to Brooklyn without her Birkenstocked feet once touching the ground, as Blair continues to toy maniacally with the cuticle scissors, and back out the bedroom. Serena's like, "What? Bye, you're the best! XOXO!" Blair, having brought her particular flavor of Christmas Cheer And Death Threats, heads back downstairs as well, just as Lily (LILY!) is heading into the room.

Even Lily feels the chill, saying hello to Blair without looking her in the eye, and then addressing her children on the bed. "When you two are done hiding up here, I'm taking you both out for dessert." They protest: Dan must be satisfied! Within his bullshit hipster qualifications and rubric, which are neither necessary nor appropriate. "This is important for our family," Lily promises. "It'll just be the three of us." Serena knows that this means it's three plus one, one being the dude she's about to marry. I love how even the show itself can't muster much of a protest against Lily's serial marrying of rich dudes. I mean, seriously. "Whoever it is, I don't care. I'll just meet him at the wedding," says Serena, hilariously. Lily, as usual, takes these bald accusations of Lilyness in stride: "Fine, fine. Then I will just tell you who it is, because you're gonna be seeing him around from now on. It's Bart Bass." BTW, Lily is pretty tipsy and thus even more adorable in this scene. She finishes off this jaw-dropper with a cute sip of her champagne, and looks at her blonde children like, "Did I just blow your whole mind? Me too!"

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Gossip Girl

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