Gossip Girl
Roman Holiday

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 2 USERS: A+
Vanity Blair

B texts lazily on a divan while Eleanor gets potted and pissy, and finally heads over to deal with Silver Fox Jack. "So. You... Ice-skate?" Jack allows tactfully that he sometimes does this, although she's "much more talented" than he is, and Eleanor hands him an Underpants Store giftbag. "Well, I haven't skated since ages, but I used to love it when I was a girl." He tells her that he must have been very beautiful, out there on the ice, and they're both being so courtly and cute that they could very well be talking about the literal Ice Age, but before I can get all wrapped up in Jack Roth, Freddy the Scoundrel of Roman's Life enters, and he is mad hot, so screw it. Eleanor excuses herself from Jack's side and demands to know WTF Freddy is even doing there. Which again is the awesome grownupness of her and Harold, that she would be like, "How dare you interrupt the gay happiness of the man that broke my heart and my gay French frenemy who ruined my family?" He tells her Roman invited him, as instructed, and Harold and Eleanor both freak out about that, but Roman whines for a second that he is no longer a total slut. (Freddy gives an awesome speech like so: "How does one explain the indescribable pull to see an old lover, to feel that jolt of electricity?" You go, girl.) Harold wigs and Roman freaks and Eleanor, of course, figures it all out: it wasn't Roman, obviously, but Blair. And I have to wonder what on earth she was thinking: this is a very complicated plot, like, she was just hoping that by creating enough chaos, she could somehow get all the things she wants? That's very Blair. "If I fuck it up enough, I'll be able to recombine the pieces in a smart way." B gets scared as Eleanor demands that Freddy tell the truth, if he wants to be the featured model in her spring catalog. He gives up the ghost -- that Blair promised him a cruise and to renew his gym membership -- and E tells him to fuck right off, because he's off the call list. That's sad, kind of. She throws him out, and as classily as one can, he thanks her for the champagne, and she wishes him a Merry Christmas. Then both Waldorfs turn to Blair, who actually looks afraid for once. "Looks like daddy's little girl isn't sugar and spice and everything nice after all." Gossip Girl, have you been paying attention?

Eleanor begs Harold not to kill their daughter, but Harold is still stuck on how Blair is so super-sweet and would never intentionally destroy anybody, like she does in every episode. Eleanor takes the shortcut and doesn't bother explaining how that's their daughter's entire MO, and just tells him that Roman was never the problem. She wasn't being cruel to him, she was lashing out at Harold, obviously. "She was so looking forward to spending time with you alone, and then you show up at our doorstep with your lover? Without a word of warning. How did you expect her to react?" Harold's hope was that she would act like a person; Eleanor laughs so hard at this that Harold also smiles sheepishly and admits that it was naïve, like he should have known they created a monster with their total narcissism and manipulation. "Blair learned scheming from her mother and unrealistic dreaming from her father. She tries really hard to act all grown up, but don't you be fooled. She's still a little girl who needs her daddy." Eleanor and Harold look at each other with so much love, and so much history, I love it. I would never, as a queer fellow, plan to marry a lady -- not even such a one as Eleanor, or her daughter -- but if I accidentally somehow did, she's the one that I would marry. She's so down. "Look, be gay all you want. I live there. But when the chips are down, you get your ass in there and fix it. I've known both you and Roman for a thousand years, and I'm the one that turned our daughter into a scary monster, so I know you're the only one that can fix it. If you love Roman, help me help you help Roman to live through Christmas. Because his ass is dead unless you fix this."

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