Alison accompanies Rufus out of a cab as he loudly complains about their cab-taking ($32), and she fires back that he was willing to wait an hour for another subway (nominally $2, but factor in please the opportunity cost in waiting with ADD man-child Rufus and the pointy low blood-sugar of Alison)...and they immediately run into Lily and Bart Bass before even getting through the gate (PRICELESS!). It's awkward as hell, because the last time Bart saw Rufus he was kissing Lily to make Bart jealous at Eleanor's party, and the last time Alison heard about the prenominate Eleanor's party canoodling, she nearly threw herself off a pier. (But given her Avian Bone Syndrome and the fact that her name is written in Satan's Book, you know that bitch would float. All the way back to Hudson, Alison could float, God willing.) After a thousand weird stares, glares and thoughts of affairs, Lily closes herself off and imposes a long, nervous, creepy silence before dismissing the Humphreys and dragging Bart Bass away by his cravat. Alison manages to make Lily's relationship with Bart whore-adjacent, but at least Rufus explains that she's been dating him -- much to Rufus's quiet chagrin -- for a while already. I'm quite torn, because on the one hand, I do love the romance of Lily and Rufus, but on the other hand, I wouldn't wish Rufus on my worst enemy, and Lily is most assuredly not my enemy. I wish a person could have an adult relationship with another adult where actual talking happened. They should make a TV show about that sometime. Although given what TV has taught us, that could only occur on the SciFi network, which implies giant reptiles, or Loud Diamond Phillips in a spider dimension. Also, it would be boring, so let's keep things ugly forever.
Inside, where the weather is -- I'm told -- "so delightful," Bart Bass points out that (barring the total Rufus & Lily Love) these things would be less horrific if she'd just let the world in on their relationship. Lily says she's just now beginning to trust him again, after the fakeout with Paulette Cho, whom I miss dreadfully. He reminds her that this was a misunderstanding based on his son Chuck's neurotic hypersexualized confusion, and then threatens to do something awful if she doesn't publicly commit to him soon. "What are you waiting for?" he asks, and she responds -- not by saying, "Rufus's scrotum to descend," as she should -- by screaming Blair's name and ushering her over. They airkiss, and Blair gingerly asks Bart after Chuck's welfare. Meester, as ever, plays a really subtle game here: Blair is into Chuck and wondering where their constantly texting and fucking relationship has gone, while simultaneously worrying that he's going to tell Nate about their relationship. What she doesn't know, and won't know for a bit, is that Chuck knows about her liaison with Nate last week: she just thinks she broke up with him and ran off yelling, like she does to several people several times every episode, so there's no reason for him to be upset as far as she knows. "Charles," Bart informs her, is at the Bass's hotel in Monaco. "I have my staff keeping an eye on him, and I'll join him for New Year's," Bart says, oblivious to Blair's crestfallen loss of focus and immediate recovery. "I was wondering why he'd been so quiet, and Monaco answers my question. Lovely to see you two. Bye." She runs off, all preoccupied and confused. Her boyfriend that she is not in love with, note, she's not really concerned about his whereabouts yet, but her boyfriend she hates, he ran off in a big gay red turtleneck, and that's what's upsetting her.