Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
Fundamentals Of Botany, 1916

Vanessa waits endlessly for Dan to finish his IM conversation -- "One second, I'm telling Olivia to say hi to Godzilla from me!" -- and he makes a couple more awful jokes before admitting that he's bad at IM-flirting. As opposed to his sexy adeptness at the other, IRL kind, where he mumbles and then barfs up six horrible statements before running away blushing. The reason he's on Vanessa's account (docugrl91, naturally) is because Georgina is monitoring his every internet move, still. Vanessa points out that the solution is, as usual, as simple as the truth: Tell G that he's dating somebody. Dan isn't feeling that, but doesn't mention the obvious fact that telling her this will result in a murder spree; he allows Vanessa's commonsensical approach to completely bypass his survival instinct before asking after Scott.

"I called him last week," V reminds us, "But he hasn't called me back. I guess he didn't like me that much." Dan can't believe that, because even he was not insensate to the insane, Twilight levels of mutual obsession into which Vanessa and the Inspektor fell after knowing each other for five seconds. Dan awkwardly exposits that he really liked Scott too, "I guess because in a weird way, we were kind of related." I guess in a weird way, that's something a person would ever say. Just kidding, nobody would ever say that. Vanessa feels her secret burning inside her, and runs for coffee to quench it. "The toilets in Tokyo talk!" Dan informs her, reading from yet another device, as she's scrambling away.

At the counter in that one coffeeshop, which is called the Bleecker, Vanessa orders a nonfat latte and gets the hands-over-the-eyes move that only a truly crazy person would ever do to a person. "Georgina," she grumbles without looking. Vanessa is totally awesome in this episode.

"Mutation ... offers a method by which evolutionary changes may take place within a much shorter time-period than was demanded by the natural selection of fluctuations."

At dim sum, Blair's magic feral powers are at their height: she's utterly suspicious of Bree Buckley, but -- consistently -- can't articulate why, so she just looks crazy. She informs the table of Georgina's return ("The bloodsucker is back. I saw her coffin and telltale Louis Vuitton broom on the floor!") and Nate -- the expert of record -- informs her in turn that vampires don't ride brooms. Once is funny, twice is a character trait. Nate is the awesomest. "Leave it to Georgina to start a mutant strain," B grumbles instead of informing Nate that his vampire thing is fabulously queer. "You know, my roommate and I didn't see eye to eye at first," Bree says, Blair's eyes instantly headed heavenward, "So one night I bought ice cream cone cupcakes from the treats truck, and we bonded. She taught me how to say Hello in Swahili." Bree waves rainbow-style at Blair, hilariously begging for a Regina George smackdown: "Jambo!"

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Gossip Girl




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