Gossip Girl

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Fundamentals Of Botany, 1916

"Why won't he respond to any of my calls, or texts, or my animated e-cards?" Vanessa has to laugh at Georgie, because are you kidding right now? "The last one I sent him was this adorable singing dog!" Vanessa nods, remembering that you have to move slow with Georgina: "Okay. Dan didn't write you back because A) he broke up with you, B) he's seeing someone else, and C) even though I tried to defend you, you're a full-on crazy person." See? She's just great this week. Georgie's not hearing it: "Wait, can we go back to B for a second?" She tosses off a scary, hooting laugh, and complains that Dan cannot possibly be seeing anybody, because they just broke up a week ago. Vanessa watches her carefully as she puts it together, and then the crazy clicks into place: "Okay. Then you're gonna get Dan to dump her."

Do what? Georgina gives her a scary, scary smile. "I didn't visit my family last week. I was in Boston. You know, I met the sweetest guy. I think you know him. Scott Rosson?" Vanessa's jaw drops and she goes, Oh my God? "He just had so much on his mind... And after several glasses of wine -- slightly enhanced -- you wouldn't believe what he told me!" (GEORGINA SPARKS ROOFIED PILOT INSPEKTOR TO GET HIS GENEALOGICAL INFORMATION. I maintain that this is the best television show ever produced.) Vanessa sort of stands back to see how wild this is going to get.

"Get Dan to dump the whore, or I'm gonna tell the whole world Scott's secret. And that would be too bad, because A) that's the last thing he wants, B) how do you think Dan's gonna feel when he finds out you've known his brother's been alive the whole time, and C) who are you gonna hang out with when all the Humphreys hate you?" Vanessa is revolted, but Georgina is precisely right. That's what homeschooling gets you: Your only friends in the world are an espresso pump and the barely functioning Humphries.

GG points out that "to Georgina Sparks, love's always a battlefield," which is really an amazing joke if you think about it, because there's the Pat Benatar thing, great, but also a more recent song -- much-beloved in this house, recent digital sales over 1M, peaking at #10 on the Billboard charts, written by my boy Ryan "Apologize" Tedder, lyrically identical to the Benatar -- called "Battlefield" and performed by? Jordin Sparks.

That's hot. So later, in her dorm room, with Georgie being awesome and insane on her bed, Vanessa calls Dan up to have a barely coherent conversation. "Dan, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but according to the uh Star... Olivia's been spotted all over Japan canoodling with Orlando Bloom..." (Orlando Bloom, Georgie mouths along terrifyingly; she spends this scene looking like she's trying to ignite Vanessa's weave with the power of thought.) Dan blows that off, and asks why he's on speaker, but it keeps going: "Also... Us Weekly has her on Baby Bump Watch..." (Georgie forms baby with her hands, still eyebrowing furiously) "...Probably just bloat, but I thought you'd want to know. Especially with the Orlando Bloom connection..." (Orlando Bloom! Orlando Bloooom!)

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Gossip Girl

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