Dan: "How about you go back to PRADA and stop trying to fuck up my life?"
Rufus: "On the contrary, I am going to work you so hard you'll engineer your own breakup without even knowing it."
Dan: "What do you mean? Explain further."
Once there was a man, a prince among men, whose dalliances with a Rhodes witch planted a seed within him that -- after two children and a marriage to a common harridan -- finally bloomed into a malignant flower the day Serena van der Woodsen returned to Grand Central Station. Though he fought against it, shoring up art galleries and cat-butt coffee houses in defense, there was no escaping that yearning, grasping gravity. It began with neckties, oh yes. And then came tuxedos. And thence it was purloined scarves, jitneys, VITAMIN WATER, a third child left to the river in a basket made of rushes, a convenient car accident, and before you knew it he'd been sunk. Well and truly, nothing but a hollow shell of his former choker-necked self, no better than a wife. Dust on his guitar.
Dan: "Go. Back. To. Lily."
Rufus: "Not before I'm sure you are full enough of Humphrey Bullshit to destroy your own relationship. Not before she brings me salad. Not one second sooner."
Dan: "I don't care about any of this. Just get out of my house."
Rufus runs his hands along the necktie of the damned, staring forcefully into his second-born son's eyes.
"This necktie is a choker of another kind, son. You'll see."
Diana: "Good morning! Are you late because of Lola? Trouble in Paradise? Hope it's not my fault."
Nate: "Why on earth would..."
Diana: "-- j/k I totally hope it's my fault!"
Diana: "Was that a smile I saw? Careful, you'll give me ideas!"
...Not cute. Suddenly it's like getting stalked by a charming/aggressive well-preserved old gay dude. Which is kind of how Diana Payne's always come off, if you think about it. Party house in LA that she pretended wasn't hers, backroom deals to preserve access to Nate's admittedly rockin' bod, perverse obsession with his innocence, relentless pursuit of youth and beauty. Not to mention just how much it would explain about Chuck Bass, if his mom turned out to be an old gay creeper. It's in the blood!
Nate: "I just have a lot going on. Mysterious boners, loneliness. Serena hates me for firing her, which for some reason both of us still actually remember happening. Lola is a piece of work. I haven't seen Daniel in two whole episodes. And Chuck is about to land himself in a world of..."