A high-stakes game of art auctioneering left Ivy with the Sudanese Documentation that will bring Bart Bass down once and for all, and we learned that her mysterious co-conspirator would be arriving soon. Nate fudged some revenue numbers to get a loan extension, which was secretly being cosigned by Bart anyway. Blair and Chuck were equally boned in their attempts to best their parents, or so it seemed, but at the last moment Blair's OCD and BPD formed a truce. Oh, and Dan and Serena and ugh. We accept the love we think we deserve, as the ubiquitous marketing for a teen emo movie recently mentioned, about a bajillion times, unceasingly and on every device in this entire house.
Old Farty Barty flips Chuck's sparsely decorated suite, which seems awfully basic for ones such as they, but whatever. Even Monkey is offended. On the upside, though, it doesn't take too long because all he has is like, that one safe that he keeps everything in all the time, which is like the only place I would even look, that couch by the window that he and Nate sometimes prop themselves up in of a morning, and a pool table for drunken billiards. And windows for abusing, of course.
Meanwhile, Dan and Serena are in her bedroom at home, having presumably just fucked or else that's just what is going on with their hair this week. This is the caliber of conversation we are dealing with:
Lonelyboy: "Wow, this is amazing. Really. And I'm not just talking about this espresso."
But we both know he's mainly talking about how amazing it is to have a place to sleep.
Lonelyboy: "I just wish we could go outside without all that attention I'm constantly begging for at all times."
Serena: "The ongoing nature of your face-heel turn where you keep screwing us all over and then wondering why everybody's mad at you is looking more and more like an extreme contrivance to isolate us both and get us together for the finale. Perhaps we should announce our love that everybody already knows about."
Lonelyboy: "But it's a secret! A secret everybody already knows about."
Serena: "Then let one more contrivance rear its head. You will spend the episode involving yourself in Chuck's storyline to no real purpose, and I will fuck with Blair's life all episode, and then we can meet back here and discuss how great things are for nobody except us."
Lonelyboy: "Yes. Amends, and then you will buy me things."
Serena: "I will. I will buy you things. Such is the way of the Humphreys and Rhodeses."