Bart: "It's the Vanderbilts you need to watch out for. You don't want to embarrass them."
Nate: "That's true. After my father went to jail, and then Tripp faked that guy drowning that time, and then Tripp again with awful Maureen, and that time I dated Vanessa Abrams, and then Tripp and Serena and the wolves, and the time Juliet got my dad shanked in prison or whatever that deal was, and then the time Tripp tried to kill me and ended up driving Blair Waldorf insane, or how I keep punching my dad in public every time I see him, it just wouldn't do to make the Vanderbilts look bad. My mother couldn't handle it, she's still wandering the Hamptons grazing on ornamental shrubs and sneaking sips from perfume bottles as it is. We have a heritage to maintain."
Bart: "So we understand each other."
Chuck: "All right, you donkey. Give me the 'microfilm' and I'll reverse-pickpocket it onto Lily's person at the pop-up fashion shoppe cosponsored by Barneys New York, where the Feds will find it on her."
Ivy: "That sounds just as likely as every other scheme this season. You're on."
Rufus: "Dan, why are you going through my shit? Don't we hate each other?"
Dan: "Yeah, I wanted to say I'm sorry for being a disgusting, worthless person."
Rufus: "Son, you do realize that when you apologize for something, you're implying you won't immediately do it again?"
Dan: "In six seasons I have not figured that out. And this season, it's the opposite of my every action. So no."
Rufus: "Well, as it turns out today is your lucky amnesty day. Can you believe that a hot blonde 20-year-old with a body like that was only using me?"
Dan: "Really? To what end? How on earth could her dating you since last season possibly have lead to this?"
Rufus: "Just work with me. I saw her kissing an old man who was not me, after Lily told me she stole some kind of 'microfilm' or some shit..."
Ivy: "Hi, honey! I'm home!"
Rufus: "You know how I love getting pissy with women and only women, because I am utterly impotent and devoid of masculinity?"
Ivy: "It is the Humphrey way. What's this all about?"
Rufus: "I saw you kissing an old man who was not me! Get the fuck out of my house! And take some but not all of your money with you! And leave all the things you bought me!"
Ivy: "This is my crying face. It is a lie."