Nate: "How could I have seen this coming? Other than the fact that this exact same thing has already happened three or four times?"
A BEVY OF BITCHES
It's dumb and out of place, this conceit about the Dons of the Five Schools. This is the kind of thing we were just lamenting, that the show is no longer like this, so how weird is it that the show itself is like, "Remember when the show was like this?" Blair gives them a ton of shit and they look at her like the obnoxious old woman she is, and she calls herself Regina Emerita and it's all super annoying and there's all this made-up mythology about how it all works and whatever.
Like, they've traded from monarchy to styling themselves after the Mob, for no real reason, and this is to show the passage of time -- like when Jenny would do her punk rock nightmare princess stuff -- and it's old-school and whatever, but the show has been ruined for far too long for this to be cute now. It would have been really cool maybe even like three years ago, but now it's just... a mimeograph of a 'microfilm'.
In the end Sage -- who is the Queen of Constance, another thing that wasn't true until this episode decided it was -- gets like her one boon or something and all the Dons agree to attend the pop-up event, because ... somehow ... this will break up Serena and Steven.
Serena and Steven, whom she thinks are back together because she saw it on Gossip Girl, the website she doesn't read because she doesn't find it relevant.
Nate: "If the choice is between screwing over Nathaniel and keeping my magazine thing, you can have it. I don't even know what it is, or how to be the CEO of it."
Bart: "Ah ha, that's why I hypnotized you into faking those numbers by looking you in the eye and telling you to fake those numbers. Now you are in legal trouble and must do what I say, or risk being just like your father. He was, himself, hypnotized into doing just the same thing, only by coke instead of by me."
Nate: "We Archibalds are some bullshit."
Bart: "It's the Vanderbilts you need to watch out for. You don't want to embarrass them."
Nate: "That's true. After my father went to jail, and then Tripp faked that guy drowning that time, and then Tripp again with awful Maureen, and that time I dated Vanessa Abrams, and then Tripp and Serena and the wolves, and the time Juliet got my dad shanked in prison or whatever that deal was, and then the time Tripp tried to kill me and ended up driving Blair Waldorf insane, or how I keep punching my dad in public every time I see him, it just wouldn't do to make the Vanderbilts look bad. My mother couldn't handle it, she's still wandering the Hamptons grazing on ornamental shrubs and sneaking sips from perfume bottles as it is. We have a heritage to maintain."