Blurg, where's Blair? Oh, sitting in the hot seat in front of Queller, showing you how the fuck it's done: "I'm innocent. Well...except for a crime of passion. I did something stupid with someone. And even worse than doing that stupid thing, I did the same stupid thing with someone else and pretended I had never done that stupid thing before. You look confused. Should I walk you through it?" And the end part is like two-fifths joy at being all coy and weird, one-fifth actually wanting to confess what a hash she's made of things, and two-fifths really wanting to blow Queller's mind. I will say this for Queller, she knows when to get back on topic: "I reviewed your record. It's pristine. If Constance has a shining star, it's Blair Waldorf." Blair totally goes, "I know!" She tells Queller intensely, with her Blair teeth shining terribly, that she knows nothing; Queller gives her a look that manages to combine two sentiments one doesn't often see parading together: "Well, okay," and "Please don't hurt me."
Nate sits in the quad, writing in, like, his own guilty blood because he also has been waiting to confess some shit, but quickly tells Chuck's scarf that it's not the guilty 10K essay, but a "heartfelt letter" to Blair. Chuck correctly calls him a pussy, and points out that Blair is not into him, and has made that obvious. But since for Nate, "obvious" is not the same word that it is for us, Chuck has to make sure that his whole blackmail scheme is working, so he tells Nate like eleven times about how Blair's not into him: "Remember? Like how I blackmailed her to... Look, I'll start over." Nate tells about the kiss in the pool, which was admittedly passionate, and Chuck starts to crumble a little bit, asking all kinds of vague questions about how it really went down. Mostly at this point they don't really finish sentences in a declarative way, so it's like trying to talk to Koko. "Make kiss hard Blair?" "Me kiss Blair back me!" "Kiss Blair you kiss?" "Blair me kiss me!" They are two white gorillas, lost in the Congo of Blair's love.
After a thousand and one voicemails, Dan hyperbolizes, he is finally returning Rufus's panicked calls about the expulsion scare. Not that he has anything to report, really, which is generally when I don't return calls. Which makes me kind of a Humphrey, actually. Rufus is like, "Now is the time in January where I parent!" And Dan is like, "That is a drag!" He needles his poor kid some more, and Dan fervently and honestly wishes he hadn't even left the house on Saturday, and then Rufus gets...totally shitty. "If you know something that could keep you out of trouble, then you need to cooperate... Don't think for a second these other kids aren't gonna be looking out for themselves. You need to do the same. All right?" NO! That is never all right! Categorical imperative! Your behavior is not contingent on the behavior of others! He just explained more in one freaked-out phone call about his relationship with Lily than a thousand awkward run-ins and delicious salad-makings could do. It's not that I mind the advice to do the right thing, of course. It's the follow-up: "And remember, they will eff you, because they are effers, so you eff them first." No wonder Dan can't remember how awesome Serena is from one week to the next. Every time she demonstrates her total awesomeness, you get Rufus irrelevantly screeching about how Lily broke his heart by...having nothing to do with his awful marriage. Trust nobody! The truth is out there!