Gossip Girl
School Lies

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
That's Just What You Are

Queller puts the screws to Lonelyboy in an awesome way: "Mr. Humphrey, you have a partial scholarship at St. Jude's. You are number two in your class, have a stellar recommendation for Dartmouth from J.L. Hall -- it looks as if your dreams are well within grasp," she begins, clearly headed to the kaboom, which doesn't stop his smugness from leaking everywhere. "But. It seems you're in with a new crowd this year, dating Serena van der Woodsen..." He's like, "Is that in my file?" He's so charming sometimes. She asks about the key and he pleads ignorance, so she reminds him about how he's so poor all the goddamn time. I would like to think that he's about to give in, right before Serena answers, but I don't think he is. It's just a passing fancy. Serena immediately gets be-Quellered about the head and neck without the woman even taking a breath. "...I must say, your file reads more like a rap sheet. You cut more sophomore classes than you attended, cheated on tests, talked back to teachers..." Serena gets that very sweet and solid, sincere look, and gently but firmly explains that, since Queller is new, she doesn't know the whole story. "The person that you just described is not who I am anymore. My grades are up, my attendance is nearly perfect, and I've stayed out of trouble. ...Um, until now." She points out that she had no malicious intent, and that she has come -- albeit a circuitous route -- to Queller's office to face the music. Queller rears back and fangs appear and the room goes dark and it's totally scary. "Yes, let's discuss the...consequences."

Blair shows up at that damn coffee shop and Vanessa is just totally rude to her, as usual, and B's like, "Is that how you speak to the person who just paid your rent for a year?" And you know that gets the attention of Vanessa's nasty broke ass in about a minute. She puts down her tea towel and refuses to look even slightly grateful, just gaping at B. "Congratulations, Vanessa. You just won 365 more days in your Ikea-furnished closet." And V has the gall to be all weirded out like, "You went to my building? You talked to my landlord?" (Um, yeah. I broke into your apartment sixty times, refused to ever knock on a door, ruined your family with unasked-for advice, and videotaped you against your wishes, then blackmailed you with it. Doesn't that suck?) "No. I don't speak Ukrainian, but I do speak envelope of cash." She also apparently speaks Ass-Ugly Dress fluently, because she is wearing the stupidest, weirdest dress ever seen on this show. Vanessa's wardrobe is like, "Wait, what?" V is amazed, so B explains further: "Blair Waldorf is not indebted to anyone, no matter how much I appreciate what you did." Um, filming you against your express wishes and then holding the tape over your head like a giant bitch? Yeah, I really appreciated that behavior too.

Vanessa is all, "You're welcome, I guess?" And Blair is like, "This transaction is finished, and I'm free to return to disliking you." Not for a blink of an eye amount of time can I imagine liking this girl. V's like, "[Something dumb Jenny Humphrey would say, in the snotty voice Jenny Humphrey would say it in, and where the hell has Jenny Humphrey been lately anyway?]," and follows that up with a nonsensical Jenny Humphrey joke about how she used the money from Chuck to start a medical fund for teenage herpes or something, whatever, it's dumb, you're in DUMBO with a quasi-Humphrey, go home and take a shower in the part of the city where conversations make sense and are enjoyable. And while I'm handing out advice, try this simple plan which will solve all of your problems.

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