"So we all know how this works," Blair says on the steps, and Chuck nods: "No one talks, no one gets into trouble." Nate wonders innocently who it was, and Chuck's like, "Whatever and chill out." Blair calls for a unanimous vow of silence, and Serena's the first one to speak up amongst the garden of hardboiled nods. Dan, of course, class-warfares her about how even though she's a future Yale grad, maybe the Skull and Bones routine is a bit insane. Dan needs to read a book. I swear, every book that ever took place in high school, at some point everybody agrees to keep quiet. And easily three times as much in real life. My God, Dan, my senior year was like a nine-month-long Opus Dei meeting. There's shit I still can't reveal.
"Mmmmmaybe," Blair says, talking slow for the benefit of a Humphrey, "but it works. Every time." Word. Is Dan new to being a person? Everybody takes off in separate, sneaky, Death Eater directions, and Dan whines to Serena about how possibly this has happened before, based on his cunning deductions from how Blair just told him that. She assures him that it's going to be cool, he shits his britches some more, and instead of being like, "You're gearing up to make a big fucking deal out of this, I can see the Abrams-Humphrey lights in your eyes, and I promise you will not live to see Tuesday unless you drop this right now," as she should, Serena promises she'll get him out of this. She points out that not even the newly arrived and strangely militant Ms. Queller is going to expel two-thirds of the junior class, obviously. Then she dumbly thinks it's case closed, and smiles at him. Even Gossip Girl is like, "Let's take bets on how long before Dan fucks it up for everybody."
Blurg, where's Blair? Oh, sitting in the hot seat in front of Queller, showing you how the fuck it's done: "I'm innocent. Well...except for a crime of passion. I did something stupid with someone. And even worse than doing that stupid thing, I did the same stupid thing with someone else and pretended I had never done that stupid thing before. You look confused. Should I walk you through it?" And the end part is like two-fifths joy at being all coy and weird, one-fifth actually wanting to confess what a hash she's made of things, and two-fifths really wanting to blow Queller's mind. I will say this for Queller, she knows when to get back on topic: "I reviewed your record. It's pristine. If Constance has a shining star, it's Blair Waldorf." Blair totally goes, "I know!" She tells Queller intensely, with her Blair teeth shining terribly, that she knows nothing; Queller gives her a look that manages to combine two sentiments one doesn't often see parading together: "Well, okay," and "Please don't hurt me."
Nate sits in the quad, writing in, like, his own guilty blood because he also has been waiting to confess some shit, but quickly tells Chuck's scarf that it's not the guilty 10K essay, but a "heartfelt letter" to Blair. Chuck correctly calls him a pussy, and points out that Blair is not into him, and has made that obvious. But since for Nate, "obvious" is not the same word that it is for us, Chuck has to make sure that his whole blackmail scheme is working, so he tells Nate like eleven times about how Blair's not into him: "Remember? Like how I blackmailed her to... Look, I'll start over." Nate tells about the kiss in the pool, which was admittedly passionate, and Chuck starts to crumble a little bit, asking all kinds of vague questions about how it really went down. Mostly at this point they don't really finish sentences in a declarative way, so it's like trying to talk to Koko. "Make kiss hard Blair?" "Me kiss Blair back me!" "Kiss Blair you kiss?" "Blair me kiss me!" They are two white gorillas, lost in the Congo of Blair's love.