After a thousand and one voicemails, Dan hyperbolizes, he is finally returning Rufus's panicked calls about the expulsion scare. Not that he has anything to report, really, which is generally when I don't return calls. Which makes me kind of a Humphrey, actually. Rufus is like, "Now is the time in January where I parent!" And Dan is like, "That is a drag!" He needles his poor kid some more, and Dan fervently and honestly wishes he hadn't even left the house on Saturday, and then Rufus gets...totally shitty. "If you know something that could keep you out of trouble, then you need to cooperate... Don't think for a second these other kids aren't gonna be looking out for themselves. You need to do the same. All right?" NO! That is never all right! Categorical imperative! Your behavior is not contingent on the behavior of others! He just explained more in one freaked-out phone call about his relationship with Lily than a thousand awkward run-ins and delicious salad-makings could do. It's not that I mind the advice to do the right thing, of course. It's the follow-up: "And remember, they will eff you, because they are effers, so you eff them first." No wonder Dan can't remember how awesome Serena is from one week to the next. Every time she demonstrates her total awesomeness, you get Rufus irrelevantly screeching about how Lily broke his heart by...having nothing to do with his awful marriage. Trust nobody! The truth is out there!
Lily comes bombing into Rufus's gallery in Williamsburg like she was shot out of a platinum lady-cannon from Tiffany, all, "Did you hear? Our kids are in some kind of trouble I didn't even hear about because the second somebody mentioned the fact that we both have kids, I threw my phone onto the floor and loaded myself into my lady-cannon! Did you know we both have kids? Did you know in every episode something happens with our kids and then you and I just kind of ignore it and snuggle and wait for it to get better? Can we do that right now?" He's like, "The details are these..." And she's like, "Oh, and I'm marrying Bart Bass! SUCK IT!" He points out how, on Christmas Day, he totally crawled on his hands and knees to Manhattan in the softly falling snow and a sexy henley and declared his love without actually going upstairs or anything, and Lily gets very vulnerable but also very Lily: "Oh, if you're referring to the message you left me...I didn't get it until we were already on the plane. It was very...endearing, though." ("SUCK IT TWICE!") Her words, I love it. "Yeah, it was endearing, Wonder Years. Not in a grownup way, but like a freshman with vomit on his sweatshirt, hanging out in the stairwell of the dorms, singing Sarah McLachlan tunes."
Rufus just about starts cutting himself right there, but she's awesomely not done, and actually says it in a way that makes her look good: "You 'miss me.' That's great. I miss you, too. You kiss me at Eleanor's party, and then you say you can't see me anymore because your wife came home, and then you call and say you should've never let me go, and then you're back with Alison again." Succinct, damning, well-spoken and unassailable: Lily is the best. Rufus gives the obligatory and ever-so-Rufus answer: "I didn't plan any of that!" Lily's like, "I know, you're a total Sagittarius and it's really hard to deal with." Rufus points out that she is now a total whore for marrying Rich Husband Number Five, and without even dropping the act for a second, she sweetly says goodbye and takes her leave. Seriously. I don't care if your awful wife is the best person on the planet, which she most assuredly is not, but even if she were, that was some bullshit to pull on old Lily. I'd marry three dudes for that. Three skanky dudes. Republicans. I'd marry the Bush administration. I'd marry Lisa Schwarzbaum is how bad I'd hurt Rufus, when you put it like that. I'd mail him an envelope with my panties, Tucker Carlson's bowtie, and a meanly worded note.