Gossip Girl
School Lies

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
That's Just What You Are

While B's stashing the key, Nate's upstairs bugging her in defiance of her blackmailing and rude behavior that he still hasn't quite grasped. He awkwardly hands her the love letter, actually calls it "a love letter" out loud, and everybody totally barfs. I love how Nate hasn't even got the wherewithal to imagine the concept of shame. "A hostess can't hide in her room," she says, and bolts. "It's unladylike." He laughs, and then does a tiny bit of snooping and finds the key. Nate's jaw drops...three times as far down as his usual mouth-breathing look of bewilderment, although either because he's putting together a false assumption or hoping against hope that this key will admit him to a dream world of magic, I cannot say. Possibly both.

Dan grabs Serena and bitches and moans about something, I don't even know, and even tells V to back off with the camera. She does, in a classy fashion. "Look, I'm all for loyalty and I'm all for sticking together, but we are not in the same boat here. I'm on a partial scholarship. My parents have no way of buying my way back into this school, or any other. And I know this isn't going to be a popular opinion with your...band of brothers...but if the person who brought that key refuses to step up, then anybody who knows anything has the right to say something." She nearly, almost, barely, rolls her eyes, but contains herself. I'd be like, "You have the right to piss your diapers," but like Dan would last a week with me anyway. He realizes that, of course, she knows who it is, and instead of telling him the obvious truth that it was her, she just asks him to lay off and be cool for the first time in his entire life. Dan Humphrey declines! She explains again that he doesn't get it, there is a thing that he isn't getting, but doesn't explain it, because if you think he's being judgmental now, wait until it's not some hypothetical rant about how his inalienable rights to be a huge snitching tattle-tale are in our nation's most sacred document. She gets a little hardness in her eyes but doesn't spill.

Chuck attacks Blair on her way downstairs looking totally nuts and creepy, and yells at her about the kissing at the pool that he just heard about earlier that day from Nate. Blair finally just says "fuck it" and tells him to tattle all he wants, she's done playing and worrying about it. I'm proud of how long she kept it going, because you had to know at some point she was going to be like, "There is not a person on this earth that is worth thinking about for this long except maybe Serena, and I am so over feeling weird and guilty and hiding from you and hiding from Nate. It's interrupting my busy schedule, and this, we cannot have." Chuck says the strange pointless thing again about how she faked her virginity with Nate. I don't get that. Well, I guess it's kind of Liaisons, in a way, like everybody has white sheets they haul out on special occasions or something, but mostly it's just awkward. "Um, I faked my virginity like this: I went, 'I'm a virgin! These sensations are new and interesting!' And he was like, 'Did you say something?' And I was like, 'Oh, I was just saying that I am totally a...' And then he made a funny sound and went to sleep, because we'd been having sex for five minutes, so I, like, didn't really worry about it. He's a seventeen-year-old boy, not a gynecologist."

Blair points out to Chuck that, besides the fact that -- though they both love him dearly -- Nate is not exactly Nancy Drew, also there are two stories here: one is Chuck's, which is disreputable and not trustworthy due to the fact that Chuck is gross, and the other is Blair's, which wins every time in every way for every reason, because she is Blair Waldorf. Chuck swears he has proof, and before you get totally grossed out, we reveal...Effin' Vanessa Abrams and her stupid goddamn camera, taping everything they just said. This girl! It's just unsuitable, the shit she pulls. "Hey, I know this is your house and I'm not invited, and the last time you actually threatened my life, and you've already asked me not to videotape you, but...I'm Vanessa Abrams. I will always be yuckier than you thought. It's my mutant power!" They both demand the tape and she tells them both to get lost. Dan comes up in a huff from having once again been a billion times better than Serena in his own mind, just as Chuck tries to rape Vanessa for the tape. Blair's in the back, like, strapping on some brass knuckles. Dan shoves him away and Vanessa is totally nasty and then they leave and never, ever, ever come back. Fingers crossed, XOXO. Gossip Girl's like, "Now that sex and lies have been caught on videotape, V's documentary just became the most anticipated new release of the year." Or it would, if anybody could possibly fathom the concept that she took the camera off Dan for five seconds, or ever did an interesting thing.

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