"Yale only accepted me because of my grandfather. I don't want to owe him or my family anything. After tonight, we're done with them," he says, taking her hand and kissing her forehead. She's like, "Aw, fuck." Gossip Girl's happy, because she knows "whatever happened," it's Blair that's paying for Nate and Tripp's lunch. But not even B can see that far ahead, so just like with Serena we're the only ones in suspense. Which, given that this is a show entirely about surveillance and celebrity, disclosure and shame, is a trick they should pull more often, because it's always awesome. Remember Serena's black eyes of death?

Eleanor's voice reaches unknown pitches as Cyrus's mother arrives, and she keeps running around with that brisket's burnin' idiom, like she's in a Chekov or Ibsen play ("God, where is that man [of mine]?"), until Serena and Cyrus come out of the random side room where they've been discussing her latest secret disaster. He tells her to talk to Lily -- who, after all, was the only person with enough good sense to fix the Pete Fairman issue in the five seconds it took -- but Serena is unsure. And why? Because of Lily's little speech earlier, which was uncalled for and only managed to make a somewhat lost Serena into a very lost Serena: "We're not in a good place right now. I don't think I could go up to her and say, 'Sorry, but I sort of got married in Spain. But don't worry, Cyrus is helping me get a quickie annulment.'" That's awesome! Yet again, I am jealous of Serena's entire life. Cyrus tries to help some more, but Eleanor calls him away, and there's Dan looking smoking hot in that vest he always wears. And that look of judgmental shock he also always wears.

"Two days into the trip, Poppy and Gabriel get in this huge fight. And then she just leaves, abandoning me and Gabriel. And so I stayed around to keep him company..." Dan, who has no fucking room to talk and is only invited to this conversation because A) he's family and B) he was eavesdropping, can't help but get a little snotty about how she kept him some good, good company. "Dan, please. Gabriel and Poppy were over, and it's not like either one of us planned this. This thing between us just happened, and we couldn't stop it." Dan, willfully misunderstanding and thinking that reality is the point, thinks the "thing" she's talking about is a marriage, and then asks what she was thinking.

What she was thinking was, "Marriage is something I thought I should try, and he did all the heavy lifting, and Rioja is even more delicious in Spain." Dan, she was thinking what anybody would be thinking, especially a teenage girl. Especially you. God, I could get you to fight a bull or blow a dude with like one well-placed Hemingway quote. And you know it, which is why your 'tude here is so ridiculous. She's like, "Well, much like when I murder people, I might not have done it and it might not actually have happened. So Cyrus is going to figure it out."