Serena comes home to smarmy morning Chuck asking how Spain was, but she's not exactly overflowing with details. At this point in the day, the story is that she read and ate and swam on the beach while Poppy romped with her weird-looking (but real life socialite) boyfriend Gabriel. She looks around for Lily, to apologize for the sudden jet-set, and Chuck goes on and on about some ho he brought home. "She's a synchronized swimmer. Can hold her breath for five minutes." Don't try to figure out what that means, because it doesn't mean anything, because besides Blair and Nate Chuck Bass is a total virgin and always says incomprehensible shit like that.

Serena's duly impressed, and he scoffs about his "detour with a boho barista," which is sort of funny except for THEN WHY EVEN GO THERE, except maybe now Vanessa will go crazy like Blair did after fucking Chuck, and finally be interesting for good instead of just in fits and starts. In a nod I guess to the bitterness of their love affair, and the constant whiff of coffee beans that accompanies her everywhere, he spends this whole scene smirking and sipping from a tiny little espresso demitasse, which is remarkably ungay for once. And his explanation for dumping V is pretty perfect -- "...Then I realized I'm a seventeen-year-old billionaire with tremendous stamina" -- and then he mentions his date with a Bolshoi ballerina tonight, sip sip, before dropping the bomb that he saw Poppy Lifton at the Rose Bar last week, which means Serena's lying. Sip.

Nate meets Blair on the steps of the church and kisses her, telling her how beautiful she looks, and she laughs and creepily asks him if he's trying to seduce her on church property before they go inside. She natters at him about not getting seated behind Sweet Caroline Kennedy at the wedding, whom she unfairly describes as a "giraffe," but it makes Nate laugh, because he has no idea who that is. Or what a giraffe is.

Nate's got some knowledge to drop: first, he's having lunch with Tripp (which is where he finds out that Granderbilt William was the one that called the SEC on the Captain) and second that he got into Columbia. Proving that Nate sometimes really is just that retarded, he goes, "I wanted to see if I could get in without any family help, you know. I mean, all my grandfather had to do to get me into Yale was just make a phone call, and..." Her face is sad, his is sadder, and he apologizes for being a dullard. But I mean, suck it up, Waldorf. That's what happens when you only apply to like one school.