Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Your Brain In Spain, Or: Pesach Shellshock

"Two days into the trip, Poppy and Gabriel get in this huge fight. And then she just leaves, abandoning me and Gabriel. And so I stayed around to keep him company..." Dan, who has no fucking room to talk and is only invited to this conversation because A) he's family and B) he was eavesdropping, can't help but get a little snotty about how she kept him some good, good company. "Dan, please. Gabriel and Poppy were over, and it's not like either one of us planned this. This thing between us just happened, and we couldn't stop it." Dan, willfully misunderstanding and thinking that reality is the point, thinks the "thing" she's talking about is a marriage, and then asks what she was thinking.

What she was thinking was, "Marriage is something I thought I should try, and he did all the heavy lifting, and Rioja is even more delicious in Spain." Dan, she was thinking what anybody would be thinking, especially a teenage girl. Especially you. God, I could get you to fight a bull or blow a dude with like one well-placed Hemingway quote. And you know it, which is why your 'tude here is so ridiculous. She's like, "Well, much like when I murder people, I might not have done it and it might not actually have happened. So Cyrus is going to figure it out."

"How does one not know if one is married?" asks Dan, arms crossed. And one tries to explain, about the Rioja and the dancing and the Rioja and the ocean skinnydipping and the knocking on the church door in the middle of the night screaming "I love you!" over and over and over. I mean, what is mysterious about any of this? It is awesome. I will make excuses for Serena van der Woodsen until the end of time, but this time I don't have to, because that is fucking rad. Did she say "I do"? She said . The whole thing was in Spanish. She giggles, and Dan still can't understand why. "You ran off to Spain with a guy you barely know, you got married, and you're... A little bit, you're smiling."

And if I say for a third time that of course she is, it would take away from the absolutely wonderful chemistry in this scene, where S is trying to keep a straight face and ends up looking like she's high and maintaining in front of her parents, and Dan's taken with her and playing this role where he's the conscience, and they both know how ridiculous it is, and it's maybe the best scene in the episode, technically, because it's fun and light but with a lot of pretty mature stuff going on underneath.

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Gossip Girl




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