Gossip Girl

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Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Your Brain In Spain, Or: Pesach Shellshock

Blair shoots him another fake-ass smile and goes to sit alone in the pews, "with the commoners," to watch a bunch of people who apparently don't give a fuck about her rehearse their wedding. Blair Waldorf, I mean, I wouldn't have wanted to invite her to my birthday party when I was little. Not because she's scary and mean, but just because the idea of other people getting presents would probably have killed her. I still have a little bit of a secret problem with that, and I've been pushing thirty for a long, long time.

Hey, it's Jenny. Hey, it's Jenny's rich-kid mush-mouthed new love interest, Wes. What are they talking about? Who cares. Science or something. Because sometimes Constance and St. Jude's are like this, but other times they're like this. Wes leaves after like five seconds of Dan's company, and Jenny seems poised to do the same, but then Rufus comes out complaining about how in a recession people don't buy overpriced art by gimmicky children like Aaron Rose -- Who, by the way, is where? On Passover he's doing what? Not that I'm complaining -- because they have to do things like pay rent so they have somewhere to go when they're not pounding the pavement.

Dan throws around the "I'm the one with the expensive Yale tuition" thing a million more times, and asks to help. But since having a job or a modicum of responsibility would be a priceless character-building exercise for Dan's entitled too-good-for-money ass, and might actually turn him into a worthwhile person as he approaches manhood, Rufus is like, "Under no circumstances."

Rufus runs off to help Lily shop for lamps and shoes and whatever rich ladies like -- ponies and diamonds and expensive Yale tuitions and washed-up rockstars in chokers -- because Dan's job for now is school and writing shitty fiction and harassing writers up and down the coast. And just briefly, consider the fact that we spent about eighteen million episodes on Rufus actively quashing Jenny's legitimate career for the same reason, rendering her effectively homeless in the process, because he was jealous. But then, thinking about the dipshitty move he pulls at the end of the episode, maybe Rufus is just becoming a metaphor for how the recession happened in the first place and next week he'll default on some subprime loans and daytrade some derivatives and then ask the government for a bailout.

Either way, the second Rufus is out the door Jenny's on top of it like, "Wes's mom owns a catering company. Get some capital together and get the fuck out before he renders you effectively homeless. I had my chance." Dan turns up his perfect button nose at this -- he was thinking more along the lines of checking Craigslist for "Poet Laureate" positions, I'm assuming -- but accepts somewhat gracefully. Plus, this means Jenny can put more moves on Wes. Who, God bless him, he's a cutie pie, but Jenny's track record is such that he'll probably turn out to be one of those thirty-year-old sex offenders going all 21 Jump Street through the benefit of his small stature.

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Gossip Girl

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