Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
Your Brain In Spain, Or: Pesach Shellshock

Serena starts to apologize, but Lily nails her for first "trashing" the apartment -- which she did not do, and we all know she did not do -- and then "running away to Spain." Which, yes, she did do, but the first rule of Bad Serena is you don't motherfucking talk about Bad Serena because if you say it three times, she shows up like Bloody Mary. And if you say it five times, then just like in Candyman you will summon Georgina Sparks. These are facts. So Serena tries a halfhearted but not entirely disingenuous "I've been feeling really lost" speech, which sounds faker than it really is (consider the whole Jenny Sweet Sixteen thing happened because Penelope lapped her as the It Girl, and the whole Spain thing happened because Poppy kissed her like Chevalier kissed Gigi, and you see that she's not really lying), and Lily just about barfs.

"Spare me, Serena. The only thing that is lost is your sense of responsibility and consideration." Good line, and also not untrue. Serena's insulted, however, when Lily says that Bad Serena's not welcome to return for the billionth time, and tells her she's grounded. She takes off with her fifty shopping bags to go toss Rufus the Kong a few times, and Serena dials the phone with extreme prejudice. She calls Blair, who's getting fitted at Reem Acra for the wedding, to make sure Blair's out of the house so she can go talk to Cyrus.

Which, see, this is why I like Serena: her face says vengeance, but I can't figure out what's vengeful about this. Just, "Okay Mom, I'm totally not grounded but whatever, I have to go talk to my lawyer and fix the problem you don't even know about. Because while you're going on and on about how I'm a child and grounding me, I've got some intense responsibilities, that I more than likely brought on myself and may or may not exist, that need taking care of." God, I hope she unkilled somebody again. I hope every time she makes that face, she accidentally failed to kill somebody on another continent in the middle of a drug-fueled threesome. Carter Baizen, sorry I left that corpse in your bed. Gabriel and Poppy Lifton, I have some explaining to do, but I'll have Cyrus iron out the details.

B's all excited because she's going to the rehearsal dinner, which is weird because I have all these strange mental hiccups about weddings that I still haven't figured out, like sometimes instead of the word "mother" I write the word "wedding" and whenever I dream about marriages it's only ever the rehearsal dinner. Even after the desperately "interesting" shitstorm that was the wedding in Rachel Getting Married all I dreamed about was ice skating and rehearsal dinners. I hate psychological shit that seems really meaningful until you look at it closer and then it's like, "No, that's just weird. I'm weird. Doesn't help."

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Gossip Girl




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