Gossip Girl
Seventeen Candles

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | 1 USERS: A+
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In Which Alliances Are Declared, And Dalliances Aired

Alone, Dan apologizes for not calling her with the crazy news about Alison, and Serena's like, "What, like it's not a big deal?" And he says he was going to tell her, and S -- poor form -- is like, "Why even bother, since you already told your actual friend Vanessa." Thereby handing him the whole argument. He's like, "Check it, though: I tell her everything, for the last ten years, so it's not that weird." S, showing some backbone at a really odd time where for once I cannot sympathize, is like, "You're not six anymore, Dan," and they talk about how Serena wants, understandably, to be his Big News person. Even though her Big News person is, all protestations aside, pretty much still B, but the secret issue underneath all of this is that Vanessa's a girl, so that changes things. "I want you to be that person, too, really I do. This whole girlfriend thing is very new to me, you know? I just...I don't know all the rules yet." Serena draws his attention to B's rule that the BFF becomes second BF after the SO shows up and becomes first BFF, and Dan points out the irony of taking relationship advice from Blair. I laugh, you laugh, S and Lonelyboy laugh, but meanwhile, my girl Blair is in a downward spiral. "Look, I just don't want to have to compete with Vanessa. You know, with Guitar Hero, okay, I'm way more awesome, if you didn't happen to notice. But, um, not with you." I love that speech. "Here are places I can compete with Vanessa: Guitar Hero, being fantastic, being likeable, being awesome, and all the other areas in this world that are not you. On the other hand, I refuse to compete with Vanessa having to do with you. So I win, or else you lose. Those are the options." He agrees that this is fair, so we're all on the same page. "So tomorrow, you and I will go somewhere together, just the two of us, and we will talk about my family in excruciating detail until you're just so bored, you're begging for Vanessa to take over, all right? How's that sound?" Perfect. Especially the "just us two, no Vanessa" part. Serena agrees and then rushes him out of the room, because it's almost midnight.

NO! Nate and Jenny's always good, but it's almost midnight! No cutting away! Argh! Jenny's like, "Sorry your dad sucks. In other news, I have destroyed even the brittle peace in my own household." Nate laughs and admits that he was less interested in Blair's birthday than he was in getting out of the house, because his house is nuts. Jenny's like, "I feel you." Nate, merrily hopping from plot point to plot point without regard to Jenny's introjections, shows her the ring. Which she's already heard about, from Blair, and he stutters about how he's supposed to hand it over tonight. "I'm guessing that wasn't your idea," says Jenny. Because Nate doesn't have expressions or emotions or thoughts, you'd have to guess, wouldn't you. "Blair and I broke up, and I know it was the right thing to do. I mean, we just shouldn't be together right now, you know?" Or so Chuck says. Jenny notes that he's striking a pretty definitive note, and Nate's like, "I am trying to do the right thing, but the right thing as an Archibald is the wrong thing for me and for Blair and for poor gay Chuck. The only three people I care about, besides Serena. So I'm screwed, because I will never get out of this life, and this is all my parents' fault." Jenny, proud of her one little piece of wisdom and believing that it applies to all things, is like, "It'll only stop when you stop it." Man, I wish they had started playing that one Aimee Mann song right there. It's so right for this scene and the next one. Well, at least Jenny didn't quote Vanessa at him: "You need to get your dad, the DA, your mom and his coke dealer in a room, so they can be balls-out honest."

12:01 and Chuck's right there, of course, with his sexy ante-meridian self. "Sorry. I can haz blowjob now?" Blair corrects him: not "sorry," but "smarmy" is what he is. "There's a difference. If you're coming to collect, you can forget it." He tells her to turn around, where they're standing at the bar, and she's like, "You get grosser by the second." But no, he sighs, she's getting older by the second, and here's the proof. Serena puts her giant cake on the bar and tells her to blow out the candles, and tells her to make a wish. Blair's like, "That is so ironic because I did make a wish. On a priest! And it didn't come true! God is dead! Also my heart!" and runs off all willy-nilly. "Happy birthday to who? Forget cake and ice cream, I'm saving room for just desserts. Looks like Chuck's wish might come true."

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