Gossip Girl
Seventeen Candles

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | 1 USERS: A+
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In Which Alliances Are Declared, And Dalliances Aired

Nate drops Jenny off at home, admitting that -- even though it started out shitty -- he actually had a good night, thanks to her. She giggles, and he asks if her parents won't be weird about her coming home late. She's like, "They'll just think I was with a friend," and he sweetly tells her they'd be right. They embrace, and she goes up -- but not before the many eyes of Gossip Girl snap a picture of Nate hugging a blonde girl instead of coming to Blair's birthday party. "Spotted: Nate Archibald depositing a mystery girl in a taxi after midnight. All we know about her for sure? She's not Blair Waldorf." Man, the amount of invisibility at her command, Jenny Humphrey should be a sniper. Nobody ever knows who she is! Anonymity is power, little lamb!

Gossip Girl sends out an alert to everybody's phone, coincidentally titled "Happy Birthday, B!" B sees this, gets the picture of Nate and the blonde, and runs inside. Where Chuck, K and I, and Serena are all reading the alert and going into freak-out mode. "I can't believe Gossip Girl would do this to her on her birthday!" says Rosencrantz or Guildenstern, and Serena's like, "Maybe she's wrong, it wouldn't be the first time." Blair comes running up as Kati and Iz are wishing herpes on Nate, and Blair clears the air with a hysterical grip on control. "He isn't cheating. We broke up, okay? He was gonna get back together with me, but only so my mom would help his dad. You satisfied?" Serena runs to her side, but B's not done: "We ended it. I wanted to tell you, but...part of me thought that if I didn't say it out loud, then it wouldn't be true." See? Burlesque. Once you step out of your body and into the surveillance culture, the good part is that you're a star, but the bad part is you start thinking that it's the real world. If Nate and Blair broke up in a forest and nobody was there to hear it, did it really happen? Not if B can fix it before it's breaking news. Serena comforts her for awhile, just brokenhearted for her friend, and Blair finally tears away and slams herself in a bedroom.

Chez Archibald, Nate's parents are confused by the fact that he's home so "early," which is after midnight, which they only think is early because they are his pimp. He admits that he didn't make it to the party or hand over the ring, and they're like, "Well, but it's not really her birthday yet. You can do our bidding tomorrow and take her to lunch. That's even more special and romantic and fake and nasty." Nate finally gets real on their asses. "Dad, I know you think Blair will help save you, but I'm not doing this. It's over." The parents remind him that he would die for his family, and so would they, so really this is just like a group suicide to protect their family. Nate tosses the ring on a coffee table, totally scoffs, and takes off with an excellent parting shot: "Well, you better hope for your sake they don't call your son to the stand."

Salad, wine, candles, and the smell of marital bliss greet Jenny as her parents cuddle apr├ęs sex. At first, Rufus thinks it's somebody (named Vanessa?) breaking in to rob the house, but it's just Jenny, who grins hugely, does twelve ankle-dips, and salutes their living room sex. "As you were." In her room, her validated and joyful smile are so huge and inevitably doomed.

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Gossip Girl

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