Gossip Girl
Seventeen Candles

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | 1 USERS: A+
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In Which Alliances Are Declared, And Dalliances Aired

Then, Dan hands it over again, proving that he's more invested in Vanessa's mayhem and shit-stirring than he can admit: "Good to know, in the event that should happen." Meaning, "Don't worry, I'm still a virgin, and I still want you two gorgeous women to fight over me." Vanessa is thrown for a loop by this but remembers to be all, "FUCKING AWESOME, not that I know what we're talking about." Serena's like, "I'm totally lost, but I think you're both assholes," and Vanessa's like, "Speaking of lost, I should get lost." Word. She goes off to her many other customers, of which there are zero, and Dan pretends that he and Serena are totally in this together, all wry and cute: "So...Vanessa works here now." Serena tries to be sweet about it, like, "Then we should eat breakfast and each other's faces here every day, because that would be horrible," and Dan's like, "Horrible? Or my every grotesque fantasy suddenly sprung to life?" So the votes are in, and whether or not he knows he's doing it, Dan totally set all this shit up. It's nice when the coincidences stop being coincidences and start being real.

Sigh, I'm bored. What's Blair up to? Why, walking out of church with a lovely, kinda scary grin, taking off her widow's veil and putting on giant Audrey sunglasses, because she is a girl who budgets her time well. The camera takes its time enjoying Blair's awesomeness as she sets out into the city. "Absolution for my sins? Check. Now it's off to Bergdorf for some serious shopping. Somewhere there's a fat salesgirl who's this close to suicide, and I'm in the mood for flicking." Chuck's ever-present limo slides up beside her, because he's like Batman, if Batman kept trying to make you do anal, and he's like, "Church? Did your skin burn? My skin would burn." She tells him how God just told her to stay away from his sexy self, and he tries a play from the Dan & Serena Yuckiness Cookbook, all, "Would you 'avoid' me over breakfast?" No, because Blair has a tradition for every single day in the whole 365.25 days of the year. Today is the day before her birthday, known to Goethe and the pagans as Waldorfisnacht, and she's spending it in the most Blaired-out fashion possible: by going to every store in the city and telling them what she wants for her birthday, like a wedding or baby registry, so that Eleanor and Nate and her gay dad can follow her instructions to the letter.

Chuck's like, "Except that Nate is or will soon be hating you," and Blair informs him that their sex is invisible and never happened, "so I can fix this," not to mention that Chuck loves Nate as much or more than she does, which is why he's going to follow her lead on this. Chuck continues to mess with her, all talking about how he keeps replaying her "purring in his ear" and things of this nature, and then invites himself to Waldorfisnacht. She's like, "You're officially uninvited." He points out that, as a card-carrying rapist, No is not for him the same word that we know as No. "Speak of the devil, and he doth appear, wearing his trademark scarf. Careful, B. Hell hath no fury like a Chuck Bass scorned." But what's awesome is that Chuck is going to do the right thing, from now until the end of the episode, and it will look evil and scorned, but really he's just getting everybody out alive, including himself. In the most Chuck Bass way possible, granted, but still: A for effort.

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Gossip Girl

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