Gossip Girl
Seventeen Candles

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | 1 USERS: A+
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In Which Alliances Are Declared, And Dalliances Aired

Little Jenny Humphrey comes home from Hudson, and Rufus -- because time and space don't really exist for these kids like they do for us -- is sitting around having breakfast or brunch or dinner or a late-night snack. He's like, "Your mom must have been surprised to see you showing up randomly on her doorstep like some kind of bossy Vanessa Abrams," and Alison jumps out of the shadows like, "Yes, but not as surprised as you are, now that I have appeared!" There is much staring, and then Jenny -- for the third time, note -- quotes Vanessa almost verbatim about "getting people in the same room for the purpose of being balls-out honest," and it's still sad, and still kind of annoying. She does go on to make some good points in private to Rufus, though, about how it's not, in this case, strictly a relationship between the two adults that is at issue, because Rufus and Alison's inability to get it together also impacts Jenny and Dan. Which is valid, not that any parent on this show has ever, ever cared about that. He agrees with this, and promises his daughter that he's not mad about it. Rufus calls Alison, obliquely, a whore, by pointing out that once he's committed to something, he sticks with it. Unless it has to do with Lily, and then he acts like his son Dan, in a breathtakingly sexy and sweet manner. Alison blows this off, just like Jenny or Serena would, and makes waffles, because in Williamsburg, what they eat is waffles, all the time, at every meal.

Blair comes home from the jeweler's, full of tales to tell, but Eleanor's like, "Dude, did you know that Captain Archibald totally wigged out at our house last night and they took him away and how he's in jail for embezzlement and drunk and disorderly and cocaine and hitting Nate's strangely beautiful face?" Blair's like, "That is totally awful," and Eleanor's like, "I know, right? My IPO is fucked!" And then they have parallel conversations that don't really intersect, like in the Humphrey household, where they both agree that this is a terrible turn of events, but for separate reasons, because Eleanor is screwed on a business level, whereas Blair is mostly sad for poor Nate, and then they run off in opposite directions to try to get control of fate. Eleanor heads for her lawyer, and Blair looks at Nate's worried self in the newspaper that Eleanor just flung at her head, and wonders if she can somehow use this to make him love her again, but also that he needs a hug, because it is exhausting to be Nate Archibald.

Which even his mom Anne understands, because the whole time Nate is being awesome with the lawyer and trying to work out a plea, his parents are being douchebags, where the Captain is strictly maintaining his imaginary innocence, Anne is whining and trying to be everybody's mommy, and the lawyer's like, "Kid, you are the only person in this room who seems to be slightly on the same page as reality." The Captain wigs at Nate's calm and level-headed read on the situation, which causes Anne to wig out at the fact that her husband is kind of a dick, so as usual she turns her intensity onto the floor -- a trait she has passed on to her son, by the way -- and then onto Nate, telling him to go take a nap. Her husband is literally clawing the drapes and she's like, "Nate, stop standing there making rational judgments, it's causing your father to be even more of an asshole and Mommy has a headache." And he's like, "It is very exhausting to be Nate Archibald, mostly because the two of you are the biggest Froot Loops of all time." And I'm so sure after he leaves to go take his nap, the Captain and Anne are like, "Can we sell Nate on the black market? He's pretty sexy. I bet he's worth a million dollars. ...No? How about his organs?"

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Gossip Girl

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