Gossip Girl
Seventeen Candles

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | 1 USERS: A+
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In Which Alliances Are Declared, And Dalliances Aired

Dan comes in to find his family, including his stupid mom, eating the eternal waffles of Williamsburg. He points out that this is fucked up, but Rufus doesn't want to talk about the weirdness and Alison's love affair with Alexander Bancroft, because he thinks Jenny doesn't know about that part, because he doesn't understand that Vanessa is a virus that has already taken hold of Jenny and has made her start skulking and listening at doors like a creep. Jenny's like, "Are we talking about Mom's affair?" and everybody stares at her and then freaks out on everybody else, and it's hilarious. Blair would be so proud to see Jenny sitting calmly eating waffles in the middle of all this chaos. Well, except for the "eating" part. Dan points out that they live in a loft, without any walls in it, and if they're going to be sneaky, they should get an actual apartment instead of a loft, which is a place where two people at most should live, and then he takes off to scream Nate's name into his pillow for awhile. Alison stands up to caretake him in some undefined manner, and Rufus is like, "It's best to give him a while," and Alison is chastened. Which is kind of awkward in a writing way, because she's only been gone a few months (she left for the summer, it's now November) so it's not like Dan suddenly got all these new personality traits in that time. He's barely got a personality of any kind, beyond "generic Brooklyn hipster with sex issues," which is to say, "Brooklyn hipster."

Blair and Serena do girl stuff and Blair continues explaining to Serena how relationships work, which is always sad but especially now, because she's technically broken up with Nate, but is keeping it a secret until she can fix it. So the whole stance she takes of having a healthy relationship, always sad, is now twice as sad because even B knows it's a lie. Blair is like, "I can't believe he told Vanessa about the sex plan," and Serena points out that he told his BFF, same as Serena did, and B's like, "Except I'm a girl." And anyway, she continues, "When you get a boyfriend, you become the best friend, and the best friend becomes the second best friend. That's just how it has to be if it's ever gonna work." Which is good advice, but the second layer on that is: Blair just explained the first half of this season to you using vastly fewer words than I did, and it's really sweet. She's just totally saying, "Here's what I have figured out. Yes, I told everybody you were a crack whore, and yes, I tried to break your leg in field hockey and get you thrown out of school multiple times. And yes, I did uninvite you from all kinds of shit, and blackballed you, and tried to ruin Dan's sister's life in several ways as tangential attacks on you. Yes, I did spring your little brother from a mental institution and take him out for drinks. However, at the end of the day, I finally realized that boyfriends sometimes take precedence, or else there's trouble." I wish she got credit for figuring this out and then saying it like it's common knowledge. She's such a doll.

Serena, bored of hearing about how her relationship can do better when the actual true answer is obviously "destroy Vanessa utterly," turns the talk to Nate, because Blair is a caring girlfriend and obviously will enjoy talking about herself, even if it's via talking about Nate. Of course, Blair and God are working on it, but now's a bad time to talk about Nate, so she's noncommittally devoted to him in a vague way. Serena detects the wan melancholy behind Blair's kind of rote worrying about him and lie about telling him he doesn't even have to come to Waldorfisnacht, and it's the unspoken freak-out inside the lies that causes Serena to give her a big old hug. Which almost kills Blair, of course, but they make arrangements to attend the party together, and Nate can do whatever he's going to do. Blair makes this face like, "You have no idea how awesome that plan is," because if Serena's around, other people don't so much matter.

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Gossip Girl

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