Gossip Girl
Seventeen Candles

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A | 1 USERS: A+
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In Which Alliances Are Declared, And Dalliances Aired

Dan stops screaming Nate's name into his pillow long enough for Alison to come into his bedroom so that he can say all the stuff he wanted to say to his mom. So he does, and he's like, "Number one, what the fuck. Number two, you totally slept with Neighbor Guy, and that's gross. Number three, that isn't actually the problem, because life has gotten fucking complex since you left. Number four, Jenny is becoming a total psychotic, which is pretty awesome but also scary, and I have personally saved her from getting date-raped eleven times this week. Number five, you are a giant liar. Number six, if Dad hooks up with Lily van der Woodsen, not only is she going to start abusing me, but I will turn into a freaky incest guy, which is advanced jelly considering I'm still a virgin. Number seven, I shouldn't have to tell you any of this. Number eight, our father is a variable caregiver, I don't know if you noticed that, but he is kind of a big baby." She's like, "What's weird is if you put your face and Jenny's face together, you end up with my face, and that's awesome, because TV doesn't usually try so hard with that stuff. Also, I am sorry for being as crappy a parent as everybody else on this show." Dan flounces, because really he just wanted an opportunity to bitch, just like every other second of his life.

Just like every time Nate's parents act like shitty lunatics, Nate proceeds down his checklist of girlfriends. Blair having added to the problem by agreeing to get back together, he goes next to Chuck's house, so that he can forget his problems in that warm rapey embrace. Chuck's not really feeling him, though, because he's scared that Nate will have found out about Blair's virtue, so he just stands behind his suite door. Apparently having an asthma attack, because Nate can hear him through the door and thinks he's having sex with a girl. Nate, there's never a girl. Do not give in to Chuck's propaganda. He's just standing on the other side of the door, with his hand in the exact same place on the door that your hand is on, because you two are in a Pushing Daisies kind of love with each other. Nate begs and begs, evincing some pretty wild emotions about to cut loose, and Chuck finally lets him in, saying he was just taking a nap. He smoothly hides the gift bag with the necklace he obviously bought Blair while Nate spills about the ring and the whole mess, and Chuck finds himself in a weird position for not the first time.

The facts are these: Nate and Blair do not belong together, in any world, and Chuck knows this. Nate also knows this. But Chuck knows a thing that Nate doesn't know, which is that Chuck -- heretofore involved in their business on many levels -- is now involved in the mess on a bodily-fluids level. However, that doesn't change axiom one, which is that Nate doesn't love Blair, and theorem one, which is that maybe Chuck does. So Chuck has to figure out a way where he gets Blair away from Nate, because the relationship is already killing Nate, and is quickly on its way to killing Blair once she figures all of this out. Plus axiom three, which is that both fortunes, Archibald and Waldorf, are in deep trouble having to do with these things, and other things Chuck can't control. Now, I believe in Blair Waldorf implicitly. But on this level, it turns out I very strongly believe in Chuck Bass as well.

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Gossip Girl

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