Blair can't help running to see Chuck every five seconds, especially once Uncle Jack shows up in town. At first, Princess Sophie is suspicious as usual, but once she meets Cyrus Rose at the engagement party, he does his leprechaun magic and flips her around on the whole issue of Blair. Louis gets back his princely due, and Blair couldn't be happier. Of course meanwhile, Louis has met up with Chuck, who gleefully plays it like Blair is creepin' and jeepin', so Louis needs calming down. Blair admits that she has a certain amount of darkness in her, as evidenced by lying to everybody about Chuck's violent episode, but Cyrus talks her into telling Louis absolutely everything.
The whole Raina/Jack thing is pretty much a non-starter, as Uncle Jack pulls a double-cross on Russell and, with Nate's help, convinces Russell to come clean: Avery was planning to leave him for Bart, and the explosion was intended to get Bart and not Avery at all. Chuck chases Russell out of town, Raina dumps her dad forever, and Uncle Jack mostly just runs around being adorable and wacky.
Everybody goes to a big Constance/St. Jude's alumni thing -- Kati! Iz! Those weird S/B clone-children! -- where Blair hopes to fully reconcile with Louis and Serena and Blair have a lovely reunion. Charlie's gotten access to her trust fund, and has decided she no longer needs medication. After consulting a photograph of Serena's Cotillion dress and ponytail, she pulls another switcheroo on Serena, baiting her into attacking Charlie in front of Dan. Serena finally realizes maybe Vanessa isn't just being Vanessa, and they have a meeting at PRADA where Rufus confirms that Charlie is out of her goddamn mind.
Of course, Dan has already figured this out, based on her manic behavior and attempt to get him to fuck her in Headmistress Queller's office, while calling her "Serena." (!!!!) This awesome shit, combined with the fact that Russell has lured Blair away from Louis with another Chuck suicide lie, does not bode well for anybody in next week's finale.
Next week: Russell sets fire to Blair, Georgina shows up, Charlie joins the cast for Season Five, and Jenny and Vanessa both vanish forever into the nightmarish realm of Tim Gunn's disdain.
Dream-Blair's riding around on a little motorscooter with Prince Louis, à la Roman Holiday, and they are cheesy and monochrome for a while, but then he starts turning into Chuck Bass, and before you know it Blair's awake, with the tiniest little cut on her cheek from that time Chuck Bass spousally and sexually assaulted her. Or punched a window, you know, whichever. Whatever you think happened, congratulations: It happened.
Chuck: "My UES fortunes are so sad right now that I'm going to open a hotel in Brooklyn, because they don't have those there. It will have running water and indoor toilets. They will think I am a wizard."
Nate: "Let's talk about what you're going to call it, even though I'm pissed at you for whatever reason still doesn't make sense, plus how you beat up Blair."
Chuck: "I'm going to call it Charles Place."
Nate: "Isn't that a property in Monopoly?"
Chuck: "I spent my childhood playing hooker with prostitutes and getting molested by my nursemaids. I don't know what Monopoly is."
Nate: "Well, maybe you should read a whole dictionary, to help you understand what I'm about to say."
Chuck: "I really doubt that will be necessary."
Nate: "You no longer have a monopoly on my heart. I am going to stay with Raina. Thanks for letting me and my dad and my girlfriend crash here for so many months while I continually bitched at you and ran around telling everybody your secrets and whining all the time without a storyline other than Homelessly Fucking Your Ex-Girlfriend In Your Home."
Chuck: "Okay well the reason I'm calling it Charles Place is because of the Bass Legacy and how it involves burning up ladies. Thanks for asking, not."
Nate: "Thanks for being such a good friend to my girlfriend, not."
Chuck: "Thanks for being so discrete about the huge secrets of my family, not."
Nate: "Thanks for not beating up Blair. I am gone."
Chuck: "If you leave me now, you can't live here anymore."
Nate: "I know, that's what we just talked about."
BOUDOIR DER WOODSEN
Serena: "Jesus Christ, Vanessa. Stop calling me!"
Vanessa: "You're the one that answered, bitch!"
Serena: "Yup, my bad..."
Vanessa: "Wait, don't hang up! That was my naturally horrible point-scoring tendency talking, not me."
Serena: "The fuck do you want, Abrams."
Vanessa: "I just wanted to complain about how your cousin made me look crazy and bitchy."
Serena: "That is your behavior, yo. It's your behavior doing that."
Vanessa: "No, but she lied and stuff."
Serena: "To fuck with you? Good. Don't call here again. If you do, I'll answer the phone."
Charlie: "I like eating candy for breakfast! Now that my mom is back in Florida and I'm off my meds I can do whatever I want! As long as it's super crazy."
Dan: "Having a crazy person here sticking random things in my mouth takes me back to the days when Georgina and I were raising our Russian baby together. One time she slipped me so much acid I stayed up for three days. There was electricity running all over my brain like a fishnet of electricity and you could see it with all the lights turned off."
Charlie: "I am totally having that same thing right now."
Charlie: "Do you like books? Tell me your favorite book so it can be my favorite book."
Dan: "Actually, Cousin Peepers, why don't you tell me yours first, just for the novelty."
Charlie: "My favorite book is Flowers in the Attic."
Dan: "Really? Because that's like right above Catcher in the Rye, as far as books a crazy person might love."
Charlie: "I know one crazy person that loves your writing! It is me."
Dan: "Does it remind you more of Fitzgerald or Proust?"
Charlie: "It reminds me of poorly disguised fan-fiction that a sad poor nerd from Brooklyn might write about his own life, so I guess more like Updike?"
Dan: "You know how you didn't go to high school with us? I bet you'd really love our black tie alumni fundraiser that is happening tonight. I know I am excited because my years at St. Jude's are so full of happy memories. Mostly Nate punching me, me punching Chuck, everybody taking showers. Lacrosse."
Charlie: "That sounds great, and not at all boring for either of us. Will they have Serena's skin there so I can stretch it over my own skin and walk through a door of flesh into an unearthly paradise of pain and pleasure?"
Dan: "Um, what?"
Charlie: "I said Do you like Sour Patch Kids."
Blair: "Cyrus and Eleanor, thanks for putting together this whole pretend engagement party for my pretend engagement."
Eleanor: "As long as you're unhappy I wouldn't miss it."
Blair: "Why is there VitaminWater everywhere? Is Agnes coming to set us on fire?"
Eleanor: "No, it's because [so much talking about some things]."
Blair: "That was like product placement inside product placement inside product placement. I can't tell what is even a real thing and what is a reality augmentation and what is just part of the storyline or for next week. Are you incepting me?"
Eleanor: "No, I am judging you."
Eleanor: "Serena! Did Lily get those dresses that I sent over from last year's collection?"
Serena: "No, but I'll ask her how she felt about your latest insult when I see her."
Eleanor: "If you could get a snapshot of her jailbird ass pretending to be excited about last year's clothes, I would love that. Hey, are you coming to the engagement party?"
Blair: "No way, bitch."
Serena: "It's so typical that you would hold me accountable for my behavior long after I've forgotten what I even did."
Blair: "It's so typical that you are acting so typical."
Serena: "How typical of you to forget that I am a ninny."
Eleanor: "This is the kind of shit that makes a woman leave her basket-case daughter in the care of Eastern European criminals and move to France with a goblin."