Gossip Girl
Shattered Bass

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A
YOU GRADE IT
French Negation, Or: The Jack/Russell Terreur

Chuck: "Fuck off, Jack. I am drunk as shit and ready to fight."
Jack: "Tell it to the men in the white coats, Nephew."
Men In White Coats: "We are literal!"
Chuck: "I refuse to go to rehab! No, no, no!"
Everybody: Punches everybody else.
Nate: "Girl, it's for the best. Don't let substance abuse monopolize your life."
Chuck: "Fine! Don't wrinkle my suit!"

Jack: "Now that they're gone, Russell, take whatever you want."
Russell: "I am apparently Batman and snuck into the back of this scene undetected. Now, to the vault of mysterious things!"

THE PRINCESS DIARIES II: A ROYAL ENGAGEMENT

Serena: "Hey, Blair! Long time no see, huh?"
Blair: "Um, I really don't have time for your amnesiac ass right now. Why don't you go sabotage somebody else's ascension to the throne? I have to go lie to Louis about some things needlessly."
Serena: "B, all I have ever wanted for you is true love. I'm sorry that it took me so long to realize that, and also that you are truly in love with Prince Louis, which is patently and obviously a 30/70 proposition at best."
Blair: "It would be sort of hypocritical of me to hold one instance of Blair behavior against you. I fucked over six people on the way here for this party. Hugs?"

Gossip Girl: "Spotted: A lush headed for lockdown. Let's hope this Bass can survive on dry land..."

Blair: "Poor Chuck, going to rehab like that."
Serena: "No, fuck it. Tonight is your night. Now, go upstairs and have a weird moment with Louis. I have to get into shit with like ten people at this party."

Serena & Dan: Awkward, kind of hateful; it is delicious.

UPSTAIRSDORF

Blair: "Sorry it took so long getting upstairs, but I had to forgive Serena for stuff she already forgot she did, and then I had to go visit Chuck six times on the way up here."
Louis: "That's kind of the deal. I wanted to talk about that, the whole Chuck thing."
Blair: "I only did it twice. Once to tell him we were engaged, so he could beat me up and throw me out of a window, and then again to tell him that Uncle Jack is here. In case he needed to use me as human collateral again."
Louis: "Sure, but why didn't you tell me?"
Blair: "Sunshine, creeping is not even second nature to me. It is actual nature to me."

Louis: "I saw his hand. I know he broke a window several feet from your head. I somehow connected those dots, just like Nate Archibald, even though nobody else has. Why are you lying about your tiny little cut on your face?"
Blair: "Because I am ashamed, as women so often are when spousal abuse happens."
Louis: "I can't tell whether the show is actually playing this storyline that way, or just kind of making a mockery of the whole thing."

Blair: "Look. Please don't assume that you have insight or entrée into our specific relationship. You're just using my experiences to construct a heroic narrative for yourself, which infantilizes me and rests on the argument that I'm a victim, which honestly is my call and nobody else's."
Louis: "But if I don't ignore years of previously established nuance, character and continuity in order to project my sheltered histrionics onto your relationship, what will I be outraged about on the internet?"
Blair: "I am positive you'll think of something."

Louis: "For some reason I want you to verbalize all the ways you are crazy right now."
Blair, verbatim: "Maybe if we don't talk about them, we'll just go away?"
Louis, counterintuitively kissing her right now: "Well, in the meantime if you don't spontaneously heal your actual problems and decide to let me in on the darker parts of yourself by the time I get downstairs, I will ultimatum you."
Blair, wearing this unholy, metallic-beaded, Marabou Stork Nightmare: "That sounds reasonable to me. Look at what I am wearing."

KILLSWITCH ENGAGEMENT PARTY

Dan: "Hey, where's Charlie?"
Serena: "I don't give a hump."
Charlie: Appears wearing Serena's Cotillion dress, Serena's perfume, Serena's ponytail; the elevator doors open on her checking her makeup in such a way that she's staking out the party from behind her back, because she is unnecessarily and wonderfully bonkers.

Serena, troubled by the wrong details: "That's my dress!"

EMPIRE

Russell: "Hey, that was so fun how we screwed... Bwuh?"
Chuck: "Apparently the whole rehab thing and sneaking you into Charles Place and getting you the key to the Empire and the White Coats and the whole thing was one big lie or something."
Jack: "Yeah, the details aren't really that interesting. But now we know what it was that you wanted so bad out of my nephew. I have given up acting in character from here on out, and will instead be charming and wimpy like everybody else on this show."

Shortly: It was Russell that barricaded the building, set the fire, blew up Avery. Thank God we now have more information about that night. I wonder if there's still more to tell? I certainly hope so.

JEEPERS, PEEPERS!

Dan: "Let's drink a whole lot before Constance, like Serena suggested. Unless that's counterindicated by your crazy pills."
Serena: "My dress is counterindicated by your relatively flat chest! My fist is counterindicated by your face!"
Dan: "Serena, what is the meaning of this?"
Serena: "She is wearing my dress!"
Charlie: "No, I'm not."
This argument goes on forever and ever, until finally S loses her damn mind.
Serena: "You are not leaving here in that. TAKE IT OFF!"
Charlie: Obligingly starts to strip down, in the middle of this black-tie event, which somehow makes Serena look like the crazy one. They bounce.
Serena: "This is just like what Vanessa told me. I wonder if there's a connection."

EMPIRE

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