Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | Grade It Now!
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Fever Started Long Ago

Chuck watches Gabriel on a secretive phone call that he disconnects when Serena walks up, and then he spins a Rufus-esque tale about how he's going to pick up the pieces and go back to being a fabulously wealthy child of leisure without a single problem in his entire life, and Serena practically weeps, and he tells her that the project was incredibly important. "The project is incredibly important!" Serena decides. "Without you, how else will all of the African teenagers send in posts to Gossip Girl?" They giggle, but it's so not funny.

How do you say that out loud and not slap the ever-loving shit out of yourself? "Spotted: my entire family dying of the easily treatable and avoidable scourge of malaria." "Spotted: flies walking all over my face and I don't even care because I'm fucking hungry." "Spotted: everybody's favorite glamour girl splashing around in the open sewage and on the prowl. Look out Upper East Siders, looks like somebody's recovered from her clitorectomy!"

Serena runs off to get all of Lily's money and Chuck jumps Gabe, asking for details of the night they fake-fell in love; Blair's stuck in a corner like a Roomba talking to herself. I can't figure out if she's critiquing Bex's art sense or trying to explain threesomes to imaginary Nate, but whatever it is it's giving her a hell of a time. Nate runs up all excited about the new apartment, and Blair asks WTF he (OR ANY OF THEM) are doing at this party.

"I thought there was a Mets game, I saw Dorota wearing a hat..." He says he'll watch it on Sportscenter and she apologizes for letting "him" talk her into Operation Gone With The Weasel, then gets ahold of herself. "It's a long story, and ... unimportant." Chuck walks up as Nate produces the keyring to the Murray Hill apartment, which scares the shit out of her for one second before she remembers to act charmed and excited. Chuck's like, "You're moving in?" And she whirls, stricken, because Chuck didn't need to know that. Nate gets all firm and says they're going there now. Chuck wishes them well, but says B should know that Gabe claims to have met Serena at Butter the night before the SAT's. Which Blair knows, as do we, is impossible. The camera frames her between both of them as Gossip Girl wonders whether she'll run off to Murray Hill or back to the spying game: "Sometimes a queen has to make a choice: A castle with a white knight or a quest with a dark prince. So, B, what'll it be? Netflix night with Nate or battling a beast with Bass?"

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Gossip Girl

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