Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Fever Started Long Ago

Blair continues to play the angry friend role, yelling at Nate about what a "philanderer" Gabriel is, and of course whenever you accuse anybody of anything that intensely it's because you are the thing, so Nate's like, "...And you still haven't mentioned that you were spying on him with Chuck, the love of your life." She tells him it was a coincidental not-big, and they have a ten-minute session of "I'm so glad we can trust each other so much and aren't we glad we're not Serena." Which, I've said before, Serena carries more bullshit for everybody else on the Upper East Side than is tenable, but seriously. "I know that our relationship is not real because neither of us are Serena van der Woodsen" is about the nastiest bullshit. "I'm throwing up ten times a day and you're a gay prostitute, but look at Serena slightly tipsy on champagne once again! Poor thing."

Serena puts on some kind of power suit so that this looks less like what it is, which is a grown-ass man playing a remarkably young girl for a fool, and he reassures her. The way to reassure Serena is really simple: you just tell her what you want her to think, and then she thinks it: "I am not cheating on you." Really? Because check out this photograph of you cheating on me. "That is not a photograph, it is a figment." But my best friend saw you. "Your friend is imaginary." But Poppy lied and said she stayed in Spain and didn't come home with you, and yet she is town. "That is her cousin. They are identical, isn't that so weird." Yes, yes it is.

Dan and Jenny tell Vanessa about the awful disgusting ring that Rufus didn't buy, interrupting her "big secret" of having fucked Chuck Bass, and she's only too happy to trade their irrelevant boring gossip for her own irrelevant boring gossip, and Dan surmises that Rufus chickened out because Jenny said she wouldn't move in with "the v-d-dubs," and Jenny says maybe it's the quasi-incest of moving Dan and Serena in together, and Dan admits that it would be weird to share "bunk beds with Chuck," especially after their ecstasy-fueled blowjob party back in the days of Charlie Trout, but Vanessa tells them to shut up and support their father in overcoming his innate wussiness for once in his entire life. Meanwhile, and I know this whole recap is just the silence between the notes that comprise the symphony of Rufus's fascinating bank account, Rufus's finances begin once again to fluctuate.

Serena's wearing a Serena-type toga in a lovely emerald while Blair berates her for being so incredibly stupid about Gabriel, who at this point has admitted that he's sort of still with Poppy, but only for material gain, and somehow managed to shame Serena into going along with this plan for the time being, implicating her in more grossness than Serena's ever been amidst whether it's all a huge lie or not. She puts her hands on her hips and yells at Blair that she doesn't need proof that he'll eventually break up with Poppy after using her for his own purposes, because he's so trustworthy. Because, see, he fell in love with her the first time they met. Which Blair points out was en route to EspaƱa with his girlfriend, and Serena says that no, it was last year when she went out with Georgina.

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Gossip Girl

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