Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Fever Started Long Ago

Blair says that Gabriel's business responsibilities are "monkey business, more likely," and Chuck makes an unsubtle banana joke that maybe a not-so-bright seven-year-old would find funny, and Blair's voice gets serious. "I'm really worried, Chuck. You know how Serena is, she gets in over her head." Chuck smiles, because neither of them know how the percentages are already shifting, between that being totally a lie and totally true, and Blair's all excited: "So what do you say, Bass? One last mission?" She grins when he asks for Poppy Lifton's phone number, and Gossip Girl goes off the chain once again: "Queen of hearts, or queen of heartache? Careful, B. Cut off the head of one love triangle, one of your own might grow back in its place." I motherfucking defy you to explain that sentence to me.

Lily cracks some joke about wrapping up the co-op meeting so they can get to the real attraction, the refreshments, and to their polite laughter makes the most horrific mincing gaywad fake-ass patronizing prance of a face she has ever made. Lily, I swear to you if you ever make that fucking face again I'll slap it right off you, pregnant or not. What on earth were you thinking? Never again, Lily! Bad move! Then Blair runs up like she just did a bump, babbling at Gabe, grabs him and drags him through the apartment talking a mile a minute and attempting to give him a tour of Serena's house, where he's spent a fair amount of time already, and S just laughs because Blair is wonderful, and if she weren't barging and stomping and barking orders, what would she be? Not even a headband, these days.

Downstairs, Chuck drags Poppy into the building to "play the peacemaker" and she suggests that Serena, a day after the incriminating photo, might not want her there in the middle of her mother's stupid party, but Chuck's like, "I promise this is going to be awesome." I love how quickly he snaps into action when asked. When he's not raping you he's a really good friend. Upstairs, Blair and Chuck make hilarious faces while Serena starts off taking the high road, is shut down by crazy Poppy, and then just watches her attacking Gabriel. It's a testament to what good actors they are that they're being such bad actors: even if you'd never seen this show before you'd be like, "Why is that doofy dude having a fake fight with that girl with the hairdo?"

Not our kids, though. Chuck sits expectantly waiting for the fireworks, and Blair reaches toward the knife in her boot in case it gets exciting, and Poppy threatens to pull her connections if Gabe doesn't leave with her. So then Gabe chooses Serena over money to fund his incredibly retarded project, and Poppy can't believe it and fake-stomps off, and Serena can't believe it and bounds over to him like a giant golden retriever, and he's all, "I just need some air" and takes off, and she can't even keep the grin off her face when she tries to shoot Blair and Chuck very chastening looks. Blair's like, "At least now we know!" and Serena grits out, "I'll deal with you later" in a very hilarious half-smiling, exasperated, half-pissed way, and Blair and Chuck commiserate over how "wrong" they were.

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Gossip Girl

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