Gossip Girl

Episode Report Card
Jacob Clifton: A+ | 1 USERS: A+
YOU GRADE IT
Fever Started Long Ago

I don't care how hot Jason Schwartzman is, there's something I've never liked about Coconut Records. I don't know what it is, except that if you're going to play it on this show, you might as well play it over a Dan/Vanessa scene. I don't know if there's a clearer way to explain it. So Vanessa is sitting alone in Dan's house with a six-pack of obscure Argentinian beer, of course, and I'm sure she could give you ten minutes on hops or whatever boring beer thing we're talking about right now, and Dan notices for the first time in his life that Vanessa's totally in his house alone, without permission.

She tells him Rufus and Jenny let her in, a likely story -- and what, like Rufus congratulated her on the obscurity of her beer that she is about to give his teenage son? -- and she decides she wants to play I Never. Dan acts like she's wasted even though she's had less than half a beer, but doesn't question the random party games. She says she never slept with Chuck Bass and drinks her beer like it's the most interesting story ever told, and it's totally sad and desperate. Dan mushmouths his way through a speech that may or may not have been funny, but I've listened to a dozen times and still can't understand or manage to care, and meets her pathetic uninteresting gossip with some of his own, namely that he got a hummer from Georgina a year ago and that's been it for him with the ladies since then, besides Serena. Neither of them care about any of this, so Vanessa goes back to talking about how she had to get an STD panel FYI and BTW did you know you're SOL and not going to college? Oops, that slipped out. WTF.

Rufus invites Jenny to the co-op meeting, but she rightly points out that that is stupid and boring, especially with Eric "out of town" (Where did he go? What did he do?) and then tells Rufus to stop pussyfooting around and propose to Lily, and let her make the bridesmaids' dresses. He tells her there's no shortage of pussyfoot in his foreseeable future, and then probably swings the conversation back around to his finances some more, I don't know, I fell asleep and while I was sleeping I dreamed and what I dreamed of was Georgina Sparks burning down a building with Gabriel and Poppy and Rufus inside it, screaming softly and disinterestedly while their paper-thin personalities crinkled and curled in the intense burning heat and all they found in the smoking wreckage next day was that butt-ugly ring from the antique store and a sooty ragged check for five dollars from a music publishing company with the memo line "For Your Life's Work."

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Gossip Girl

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