MONDO EXTRAS

Would I lie to you?

In Season Four, as we know, a moratorium was declared on the original production mandate that Blair and Nate attempt to have sex -- only to be interrupted by her parents, Serena, or both -- at least twice in each episode. This did not, however, result in him actually closing the deal. Blair finally loses her virginity to a nameless townie early in the season, although we find out later that he's actually the younger brother of Lord Marcus Beaton-Rhodes (Ian Somerhalder), who hit town in a major way back in Season Three. Their reunion is bittersweet and takes place in the VIP room of somewhere so exclusive we don't even get to find out what it's called, because we would go deaf.

Other returning guests include Flow (Crazytown's Bret "Epic" Mazur), performing his hit "Butterfly Carb-Free Baby"; the Raves (the Vines, with Howlin' Pelle Almqvist on vox); Andy Dick as Dan's friend Greg; gross-ass Brett Ratner as moviemaker Ken Mogul; Isabelle Huppert as that weird French chick; Bai Ling as wacky bisexual chemistry teacher Miss Wisteria; and Kurt Russell as Captain Chips.

But you want to know how it all ends, right? Okay, it's like this. Simple Minds' 1985 smash "Don't You Forget About Me" -- remixed by Crystal Castles so it's not all cheesy, but retaining the same guitars and vocals in the mix so it's not gayer than Blair's dad -- is playing when the lights come up on the final scene: a graduation party at the Yale Club, thrown by the Socials & Munitions Subcommittee of the Monday Peer Group (a.k.a. the Monique Lillehammers). Blair is wearing a deep blue velvet Ungaro with a wide satin ribbon reminiscent of an obi. Serena is wearing this really weird, flowy thing that's kind of golden, but rusty? Or I guess rosy? It's hard to explain the color but it looks really hot. She looks really curvy in it because it's got all these sheer layers, and also her hair has looked super great since it started growing in again. She's got a silver belt on, but not that fat kind, it's super thin, like maybe a filigreed chain or something, and she's got a little silver bag, because apparently purses are back or she's got her period or something. Jenny Humphrey is wearing some godawful Hermione Granger-looking potato sack and we still haven't located her boobs. And there's Nate, desperately trying to find them with his bloodshot eyeballs, face permanently crumpled from trying to have a whole face in addition to the eyebrows. He's wearing some kind of deconstructed joke about tuxedos and you know he's going commando. Dan Humphrey is wearing an ascot; actually, he and Chuck are wearing matching ascots, but who knows what the hell that's about. Dan's is a creamy peach that really complements his eyes, Chuck's is some British color that really complements his sexual deviancy.